Going-Out Tops
Christ, you girls look like fucking lollipops on denim sticks. No really, I just love when you’re all lined up in your interchangeable uniforms of black pumps, dark low-rise jeans and a plethora of hideous tops. It’s like a fanned-out deck of Ugly. I mean, nothing screams class like an ill-fitting stretchy purple halter top with gold chains dangling between your breasts, pink sequins along your cleavage and ruche-y douchey scrunch-it-up cords along the sides. You look like you’re wearing the tragic results of setting an 8-year-old girl loose with half of the trimmings aisle at Jo-Ann Fabrics, some hideous satin fabric and an inexhaustible glue gun.
What, this? This is a stained and threadbare T-shirt that was my absolute favorite in third grade because it has a red and white squirrel on the front. Then, in fifth grade, I tie-dyed it with this kit Michelle gave me for my birthday with like, dye-soaked cords you knotted around it. Yeah, I found it in my closet last Christmas and cut off the sleeves and neck. This thing is a fucking work of art.
