Hats off to you

Congratulations to all the graduates out there. It was a long hard journey to get to this point, but you managed to make it out before all U.S. schools turned into slave labor camps run by whip-wielding Chinamen. If you're feeling left out because you didn't graduate this year, I'd be more than happy to give you an honorary degree from Douche University. You've more than earned it.

Happy Secretary's Day, Bitches!

I am not a real secretary, but I play one television. Well, maybe not on television, more like during "Role Play Thursdays" at my house. In any event, it's time to give your secretary a good slap on the ass and tell her thank you for answering your phone and pouring your coffee. This is assuming of course you are not the run-of-the-mill douche bag boss. By this I mean, you do not don a mustache or wear deck shoes and slacks to the office. The members of Special Ops are fortunate enough to witness such douchebaggery on a daily basis.

Harms takes it one step further as said douche stretches while standing at her desk. Such stretching involves an abundance of bending, lunging and flexing. It's amazing how limber one can be while wearing ill-fitting, tapered slacks and a shirt stretched to its limits. Keep in mind fellas, your testicles should not appear as though they are wrestling and fighting for space in your pants. It has become quite clear Harms needs a raise. I, on the other hand, have gotten off relatively easy. I get an occasional shoulder rub and pat on the back - nothing a little gag reflex can't clear up.

Enjoy your Hump Day as Harms and I help ourselves to a leisurely lunch filled with Pei Wei and shoe shopping. Don't forget...I don't make copies nor will pick up your dry cleaning!