Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Keep on with the Force
A wise man once said "don't stop 'til you get enough." Although that man turned out to be a troubled, bedazzled soul with a penchant for young boys, he was wise nonetheless. I've lived by these words for many years. For example, in my early 20s, I didn't stop 'til I got enough blow or asshole boyfriends. As it turns out, his wise words didn't stop there.
I learned that Billie Jean was not my lover - neither was Jim, Tony or Brad. I stopped keeping track anyway, and now I fondly refer to those lucky few as "Guy in the Green Shirt"..."Guy with the Motorcycle"..."Captain Hook." You know how it is. The list of life lessons goes on and on.
Thanks M.J. for teaching me everything my mom never told me. Those aren't stars in the sky, it's the moonlight bouncing off your glove.
I learned that Billie Jean was not my lover - neither was Jim, Tony or Brad. I stopped keeping track anyway, and now I fondly refer to those lucky few as "Guy in the Green Shirt"..."Guy with the Motorcycle"..."Captain Hook." You know how it is. The list of life lessons goes on and on.
Thanks M.J. for teaching me everything my mom never told me. Those aren't stars in the sky, it's the moonlight bouncing off your glove.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dreamweaver, I Believe You Can Get Me Through the Night
Besides a nifty decoration for your rear view mirror or adornments for your grandmother's earlobes, Dreamcatchers were created to catch all the good dreams. I'm all about having good dreams, but how does this "Dreamcatcher" know which dreams I want to catch? For example, I can barely remember that dream about me and that hot guy having sex, but I vividly remember that dream about me growing a small, flaccid penis. What's up with that, Dreamcatcher?
I'm not poking fun at this traditional Native American keepsake, but I'd rather celebrate a different Indian contribution to society, like the casino.
But then my homework was never quite like this...
Seeking Topless Tutors – great pay, great times!
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Address emails to
[Name]
Director of Development
*We’re just trying to gauge the market at this point; if you are interested please email us back.
Requirements
- B- or better in the course you apply to tutor
- confident, hardworking personality
Job description
- instruct client for a given course
- flash client when they get an answer correct
Why do I suspect that they’re going to get a lot of high school-aged boys who claim that they need tutoring in remedial math? And why does it horrify me that this company is allowing someone who got a B- in a course to tutor someone else in it?
Of course, I also suspect that the prospective applicants will have to send pictures and go through a lengthy “training” session with our entrepreneurial hero.
Just in case you’re looking for a tutor, but you’re horrified by the prospect of seeing someone’s … tracts of land, here’s another option for you:
Starting childcare
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Hello I will be starting a childcare program for children ages 5-12 I will work with the kids on being polite and teaching them what you want them to know more my prices all vary severe kids will be charged a little more running between 7.50 to 12.50 hour averge kid will run 5.00 to 7.00 or may very with parents that’s per kid I love working with kids they can come to my house or I can come to yours I am 17 young Christian man I will not push you into any religoun I am homeschooled all I am doing is helping you with childcare my religon won’t get involved with childcare my name is James brown and Jesse Scott I will tell you everything because I think the parent ought to know who is watching their child my cell number is (xxx)-xxx-xxxx
That’s right, James Brown is starting a childcare program. James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in show business, Mr. Please Please Please, Mr. Soul Brother Number One is starting a childcare program. Unless he’s Jesse Scott. But at least he won’t show you his tits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Address emails to
[Name]
Director of Development
*We’re just trying to gauge the market at this point; if you are interested please email us back.
Requirements
- B- or better in the course you apply to tutor
- confident, hardworking personality
Job description
- instruct client for a given course
- flash client when they get an answer correct
Why do I suspect that they’re going to get a lot of high school-aged boys who claim that they need tutoring in remedial math? And why does it horrify me that this company is allowing someone who got a B- in a course to tutor someone else in it?
Of course, I also suspect that the prospective applicants will have to send pictures and go through a lengthy “training” session with our entrepreneurial hero.
Just in case you’re looking for a tutor, but you’re horrified by the prospect of seeing someone’s … tracts of land, here’s another option for you:
Starting childcare
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello I will be starting a childcare program for children ages 5-12 I will work with the kids on being polite and teaching them what you want them to know more my prices all vary severe kids will be charged a little more running between 7.50 to 12.50 hour averge kid will run 5.00 to 7.00 or may very with parents that’s per kid I love working with kids they can come to my house or I can come to yours I am 17 young Christian man I will not push you into any religoun I am homeschooled all I am doing is helping you with childcare my religon won’t get involved with childcare my name is James brown and Jesse Scott I will tell you everything because I think the parent ought to know who is watching their child my cell number is (xxx)-xxx-xxxx
That’s right, James Brown is starting a childcare program. James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in show business, Mr. Please Please Please, Mr. Soul Brother Number One is starting a childcare program. Unless he’s Jesse Scott. But at least he won’t show you his tits.
Not Yet!
I have nothing against older people. In fact, I have a lot of respect for AARP and their work.
I get odd mail all the time, catalogs for odd home remedies (magnets to cure body odor?) and ugly collectibles.
I reached a whole new level of shock when I received an email from the AARP, complete with temporary membership card.
The email is nice, I suppose they mean well:
Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are fully eligible.
As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50. You'll have access to exclusive discounts.
I have to admit, those discounts are tempting, as are some of the benefits listed in the email. It's why older people look so darn happy - look at some of the fun benefits for only $12.50 a year!
Save at thousands of hotels, motels and resorts worldwide.
Low-interest, no-fee AARP credit card.
An AARP safe-driving course.
And More!
Tempting, but I'm thirty!
I look forward to your joining us. I think you'll agree with our other members: AARP is one of America's very best values.
30!
I get odd mail all the time, catalogs for odd home remedies (magnets to cure body odor?) and ugly collectibles.
I reached a whole new level of shock when I received an email from the AARP, complete with temporary membership card.
The email is nice, I suppose they mean well:
Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are fully eligible.
As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50. You'll have access to exclusive discounts.
I have to admit, those discounts are tempting, as are some of the benefits listed in the email. It's why older people look so darn happy - look at some of the fun benefits for only $12.50 a year!
Save at thousands of hotels, motels and resorts worldwide.
Low-interest, no-fee AARP credit card.
An AARP safe-driving course.
And More!
Tempting, but I'm thirty!
I look forward to your joining us. I think you'll agree with our other members: AARP is one of America's very best values.
30!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Everytime I masturbate, God kills the Pope
My heart is filled with sorrow and the future is indeed bleak; free thinking as we know it may very well be in danger of receiving a lobotomy. I can’t help feeling though this is the beginning of the end. Free Speech is only accepted if it’s nice speech, and those naughty cheerleaders are much more important than the astronomical and unexplainable rise in gas prices.
The other day, I kid you not; I saw a pink port-a-potty onna flatbed truck riding down the highway. Precious Pink Port-a-Potties; soft and reassuring on the outside, but still a crap hole on the inside.
The other day, I kid you not; I saw a pink port-a-potty onna flatbed truck riding down the highway. Precious Pink Port-a-Potties; soft and reassuring on the outside, but still a crap hole on the inside.
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