The workday started to drag, so Harms and I decided to get out of the office for lunch. After some debating we settled on Chili's at the Galleria. There is something about watching the desperate housewives of Houston and truant children shopping in the middle of the day. The hostess greeted us and brought us to our table. We didn't know it then, but we were about to bear witness to the biggest douche on US soil.
The douche in question was a Ginger with full on red facial hair. His guest seemed to be a nice lady, but we never heard her get a word in edge wise. He dominated the conversation from the get go, starting off with why she was so "lucky" to be with him. She looked thrilled. He then proceeded to tell her what a "hoss" he was at the office. We're quite sure he's just the mail guy. He rounded out the conversation with the reasons behind his recent break-up. None of them were his fault of course. This might be the last time this poor lady utilizes the services of eHarmony. I thought Harms was going to bitch slap him, but luckily our attention was diverted to something else...
Harms exploited my unhealthy obsession with grey-haired men by pointing out the older gentleman sitting to her right. I slowly looked over to find what could only be described as a cross between David Letterman and Harry Potter. We waited for him to show us his wizardry, but we were denied. The check came, and I pulled the ole "I forgot my wallet" routine. Success! But Harms is the shit, and she paid for lunch. I'll get her ass next week.
If we learned anything from this, it would be...if you have red hair, don't be douche in public. And don't forget to tip your waitress.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
and so are the days of our lives...
Our posse is in full effect today. All members are present and accounted for. Parkie made a cameo this morning and he looked dapper. Harms and I busted our humps to get our work done early so we could spend the remainder of the day being worshipped without interruption. So far, so good. After lunch we enjoyed a little retail therapy and then headed back to the office where we were greeted with applause and gifts.
We ventured up to the tenth floor where we ran into Chuckie B. He asked us to smell him, and he did not smell like wet dog. We moseyed on down the hall to Bearkat's desk where Harms stole her Nutter Butter. I'm glad Bearkat did not shank her. We chatted about anything and nothing at all. We tried to convince her to chop off her mane, but she was c-c-cold as ice. Rejected!
The coolness on the tenth floor is limited, so we headed back to Special Ops. We made a pit stop at Cary's desk where we found him erecting a rocket ship. The nerd talk was beyond us, so we busted a U-ie. Back at home base, Tyler came over to discuss his low threshold for pain. He donated blood. It's the ol' stripper with a heart of gold act.
The day is almost over and like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...
We ventured up to the tenth floor where we ran into Chuckie B. He asked us to smell him, and he did not smell like wet dog. We moseyed on down the hall to Bearkat's desk where Harms stole her Nutter Butter. I'm glad Bearkat did not shank her. We chatted about anything and nothing at all. We tried to convince her to chop off her mane, but she was c-c-cold as ice. Rejected!
The coolness on the tenth floor is limited, so we headed back to Special Ops. We made a pit stop at Cary's desk where we found him erecting a rocket ship. The nerd talk was beyond us, so we busted a U-ie. Back at home base, Tyler came over to discuss his low threshold for pain. He donated blood. It's the ol' stripper with a heart of gold act.
The day is almost over and like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Holdin' Down the Fort
Harms and I spent the first part of the morning enjoying kolaches in Tyler's office. He had a stack of ones from his moonlighting gig at Hunk-O-Mania. He offered to buy if we drove. Hells yes! After kolache time, we ventured upstairs, gave Chuckie B. suck-its and visited with Bearkat. Bearkat was in full on professional mode, so we said Peace Out and went back to Special Ops.
I kicked off the All Request Hour with Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. After spinnin' some tunes, we started a contest to see who could drink the most water without going to the bathroom. That lasted for about 10 minutes before Harms decided to go home.
So, here I am alone holding down the fort in Special Ops. Parkie is schmoozing and boozing somewhere with clients. Harms went home sick, and I am sad. We are like Tonto and The Lone Ranger…although neither one of us really resembles an Indian. Well, maybe I do. Perhaps we are more like Crockett and Tubbs. They had a bitchin’ sense of style and they meant business. We don't carry guns, but we are armed with our awesomeness. Not to mention Harms has a fierce Buffalo Stance. I would not want to run into her in a dark alley.
I kicked off the All Request Hour with Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. After spinnin' some tunes, we started a contest to see who could drink the most water without going to the bathroom. That lasted for about 10 minutes before Harms decided to go home.
So, here I am alone holding down the fort in Special Ops. Parkie is schmoozing and boozing somewhere with clients. Harms went home sick, and I am sad. We are like Tonto and The Lone Ranger…although neither one of us really resembles an Indian. Well, maybe I do. Perhaps we are more like Crockett and Tubbs. They had a bitchin’ sense of style and they meant business. We don't carry guns, but we are armed with our awesomeness. Not to mention Harms has a fierce Buffalo Stance. I would not want to run into her in a dark alley.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
South of the Border
In an effort to stay current on our espanol, Jen and I headed south of the border to Taco Bell for some lunch. Like any other outing we plan, this adventure was just as eventful.
Upon opening the doors, we were whisked away by the smell of burritos and well, mexicans. The decor of this particular TB was done in a pallet of fresco colors with your quintessential abstract art adorning the walls. Jen was quite taken with the one that looked like an Indian or a glacier, we weren't too sure.
The other patrons represented many walks of life. There were your lawn guys, a couple of teenagers, creepy business man and black lady. We quietly enjoyed our lunch whilst listening to the soothing sounds of adult contemporary music. Almost paradise, we're knocking on Heaven's door...
We were starving and our food couldn't come quick enough. Alas, we heard our number called, "# 2sebentine". We assumed he meant 217 and Jen headed up to grab our platters. We enjoyed our fine dining as we caught up on the last few days. Jen has been sick...I think she caught that Spanish Fly. We finished up and bid adios to our friends down south.
Our drive back to the office was leisurely. We chatted about how awesome we were. Que imponente! Jen located a parking spot right in the front next to the Asian mafia. They are our friends because Bearkat is Asian. Although we almost ran over Blanche from Golden Girls on our way into the office, our lunch was muy sabroso!
Upon opening the doors, we were whisked away by the smell of burritos and well, mexicans. The decor of this particular TB was done in a pallet of fresco colors with your quintessential abstract art adorning the walls. Jen was quite taken with the one that looked like an Indian or a glacier, we weren't too sure.
The other patrons represented many walks of life. There were your lawn guys, a couple of teenagers, creepy business man and black lady. We quietly enjoyed our lunch whilst listening to the soothing sounds of adult contemporary music. Almost paradise, we're knocking on Heaven's door...
We were starving and our food couldn't come quick enough. Alas, we heard our number called, "# 2sebentine". We assumed he meant 217 and Jen headed up to grab our platters. We enjoyed our fine dining as we caught up on the last few days. Jen has been sick...I think she caught that Spanish Fly. We finished up and bid adios to our friends down south.
Our drive back to the office was leisurely. We chatted about how awesome we were. Que imponente! Jen located a parking spot right in the front next to the Asian mafia. They are our friends because Bearkat is Asian. Although we almost ran over Blanche from Golden Girls on our way into the office, our lunch was muy sabroso!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Gangsta's Paradise
So far it’s a slow day in Special Ops (our desk area). We’ve spent the majority of the morning being awesome. Harms rocked the All Request Hour with a little Rupert Holmes’ If You Like Pina Coladas. Well, Rupert, as a matter of fact I do! I countered her request with Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer.
Bearkat came down from on high and blessed us with her presence. It appears as though she is taking her diet seriously. She’s strapped with 5 lb ankle weights. You go, girl! We watched her lunge around our work space. We will have to hit up the prison workout routine later. Parkie is out of the office most likely laying his Keith Sweat on the clients. He is a smooth operator. He rounds out our Special Ops trio and we miss him today.
It’s time to make the rounds and let everyone adore us. This will definitely keep us busy until lunchtime.
Bearkat came down from on high and blessed us with her presence. It appears as though she is taking her diet seriously. She’s strapped with 5 lb ankle weights. You go, girl! We watched her lunge around our work space. We will have to hit up the prison workout routine later. Parkie is out of the office most likely laying his Keith Sweat on the clients. He is a smooth operator. He rounds out our Special Ops trio and we miss him today.
It’s time to make the rounds and let everyone adore us. This will definitely keep us busy until lunchtime.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Everyday is a rap video
Our day starts like most rap videos, my homie, Jen and I roll up in her Nissan Altima with Bone Thugs and Harmony's Crossroads playing in the background. Jen pulls the car into the parking garage placing her gat under the seat...no shoot um ups today. We remove our crip colored do' rags from our heads and prepare ourselves for the day ahead. We have been getting crunk off smoothies all morning.
We head inside our building giving our backup dancers a slight nod letting them know to chill till the next episode. Jen put her grillz up in her Coach bag as I tip a lil smoothie for my lost homies.
We open up the doors to the office with Notorious B.I.G. blaring overhead. We have arrived.
It appears as though are awesomeness proceeds us as people arrive to our desks bringing bottles of Cristal and a new leather gat holster for Jen. We allow them to bow at our feet then shoo them off, we have a business to run. Today we are making a flowchart of all the peeps in our organization, Jen and I of course are at the top.
Its midday and I head up stairs to our ab class. I find Jen and Bearkat already in their prison workout routine. I can see Bearkat's shank in her spandex pants, she may be ready to rumble.
Jen is doing pull-ups on the door jamb, she is so buff. Our instructor and arch nemesis enters the room ready to pump up the volume, Jen shoots her a stink eye. I am on high alert. I need to stay focused in case a brawl ensues. Class ends without incident, hopefully the rest of the day will too.
Jen and I are still tired after patrolling the hood last night.
We are waiting out the rest of the day. I know our backup dancers are hard at work on another fly routine to send us home to. Till then we are laid back with our mind on our money and our money on our minds.
We head inside our building giving our backup dancers a slight nod letting them know to chill till the next episode. Jen put her grillz up in her Coach bag as I tip a lil smoothie for my lost homies.
We open up the doors to the office with Notorious B.I.G. blaring overhead. We have arrived.
It appears as though are awesomeness proceeds us as people arrive to our desks bringing bottles of Cristal and a new leather gat holster for Jen. We allow them to bow at our feet then shoo them off, we have a business to run. Today we are making a flowchart of all the peeps in our organization, Jen and I of course are at the top.
Its midday and I head up stairs to our ab class. I find Jen and Bearkat already in their prison workout routine. I can see Bearkat's shank in her spandex pants, she may be ready to rumble.
Jen is doing pull-ups on the door jamb, she is so buff. Our instructor and arch nemesis enters the room ready to pump up the volume, Jen shoots her a stink eye. I am on high alert. I need to stay focused in case a brawl ensues. Class ends without incident, hopefully the rest of the day will too.
Jen and I are still tired after patrolling the hood last night.
We are waiting out the rest of the day. I know our backup dancers are hard at work on another fly routine to send us home to. Till then we are laid back with our mind on our money and our money on our minds.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Roses are Red, Dildos are Blue...
So, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and my ladies and I decided to spend our lunch at Zone D’ Erotica. Believe it or not this is Spanish for Auto Zone…if Auto Zone sold vibrators and dildos. Evidently we were not the only ones with this idea. The store was filled with last minute shoppers, most of them clueless men.
Upon entry we were smacked in the face by the smell of strawberry lube and cheap perfume. The mannequins were scantly clad, you know your classic nurse, french maid, army medic. We weren't here for the outfits, we were here for the adult toys, which by the way are housed in their very own room. Who knew beyond the beaded curtain we would find the lost city of dildos. The walls were covered in a myriad of colors and shapes. It was like looking through a dirty adult kaleidoscope.
Harms (aka Cathy) assisted us with our purchase because she's a dirty whore and has extensive knowledge about self-pleasure. My sister (aka Stacy) picked the perfect toy complete with vibrating dolphin. It just so happens I (aka Wanda) picked the same thing. Cathy made her way around the room assisting the clueless men on ways to pleasure their women. She worked so fast you would think she was making commission.
With our goodies in hand we proceeded to the checkout where we all realized Spanish Fly also comes on a keychain. The cashier asked for my ID. I hesitantly handed it over. What if there is a black book with the names of all the "Auto Zone" customers? What if this book fell into the hands of God? I could possibly not make it into Heaven...oh wait, I did save that litter of kittens from a burning building. That along with my awesomeness will definitely write my ticket through the Pearly Gates.
Stacy "left her ID in the car next to her gym membership." Likely story. On her way back in the store, the door smacked her in the face, which we all knew was God saying, "you will pay for the shame you have bestowed upon me." Or perhaps Stacy is just really clumsy.
We checked the time and realized it was time to return to work. We bid farewell to Stacy, and Cathy and I stealthily made our way to the car, vibrator in tow. Maybe tonight I'll let him put it in the pooper...Happy Valentine's Day!
Upon entry we were smacked in the face by the smell of strawberry lube and cheap perfume. The mannequins were scantly clad, you know your classic nurse, french maid, army medic. We weren't here for the outfits, we were here for the adult toys, which by the way are housed in their very own room. Who knew beyond the beaded curtain we would find the lost city of dildos. The walls were covered in a myriad of colors and shapes. It was like looking through a dirty adult kaleidoscope.
Harms (aka Cathy) assisted us with our purchase because she's a dirty whore and has extensive knowledge about self-pleasure. My sister (aka Stacy) picked the perfect toy complete with vibrating dolphin. It just so happens I (aka Wanda) picked the same thing. Cathy made her way around the room assisting the clueless men on ways to pleasure their women. She worked so fast you would think she was making commission.
With our goodies in hand we proceeded to the checkout where we all realized Spanish Fly also comes on a keychain. The cashier asked for my ID. I hesitantly handed it over. What if there is a black book with the names of all the "Auto Zone" customers? What if this book fell into the hands of God? I could possibly not make it into Heaven...oh wait, I did save that litter of kittens from a burning building. That along with my awesomeness will definitely write my ticket through the Pearly Gates.
Stacy "left her ID in the car next to her gym membership." Likely story. On her way back in the store, the door smacked her in the face, which we all knew was God saying, "you will pay for the shame you have bestowed upon me." Or perhaps Stacy is just really clumsy.
We checked the time and realized it was time to return to work. We bid farewell to Stacy, and Cathy and I stealthily made our way to the car, vibrator in tow. Maybe tonight I'll let him put it in the pooper...Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Bearkat...get up off that starch
We just love our Bearkat. She is Asian and she likes food. She used to be down here on our floor but has since been moved up to our 10th floor...and thank fucking GOD! Bish makes eggs in the microwave every morning and they smell like farts. I don't care if she wants to eat farts but we don't. Nevertheless, we miss our Bearkat down here, we miss our kolachies. We miss her big butt and smile.
She just stopped by our desks to say hi, she was eating potato salad AND had a boxed lunch from Panera, again she likes food. She is on a diet and she refuses to give up starch...and soda...and sugar. We tell her, "Bearkat, don't eat that crap." She throws us MYOB suck-its.
Bearkat we love you just the way you are, stay cool...don't change.
She just stopped by our desks to say hi, she was eating potato salad AND had a boxed lunch from Panera, again she likes food. She is on a diet and she refuses to give up starch...and soda...and sugar. We tell her, "Bearkat, don't eat that crap." She throws us MYOB suck-its.
Bearkat we love you just the way you are, stay cool...don't change.
Introducing...Dylan
It's Friday night @ Hunk-O-Mania and Dylan is making his stage debut. Opening night jitters have set in so he takes a Buttery Nipple shot with his bros backstage. Tyler is just finishing his set and making his way off stage. Its time.
Dylan steps out into a crowd of screaming fans, they have been anticipating his arrival, they have heard about his choreography. Its pizza they want, and pizza they shall get. But you won't find cheese pizza in his warming carrier, oh no ladies, Dylan brings the Meatlover.
Did anyone order a salami pizza? Cause Dylan's got your order ready. His red thong comes complete with a slice of pizza up front, for those women who buy by the slice. His fancy footwork impresses the crowd as he dances to Whitesnake's, Here I Go Again. And again, and again.
If Dylan doesn't get you sweating in 30 minutes or less...its free.
Dylan steps out into a crowd of screaming fans, they have been anticipating his arrival, they have heard about his choreography. Its pizza they want, and pizza they shall get. But you won't find cheese pizza in his warming carrier, oh no ladies, Dylan brings the Meatlover.
Did anyone order a salami pizza? Cause Dylan's got your order ready. His red thong comes complete with a slice of pizza up front, for those women who buy by the slice. His fancy footwork impresses the crowd as he dances to Whitesnake's, Here I Go Again. And again, and again.
If Dylan doesn't get you sweating in 30 minutes or less...its free.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
and now on center stage...
Tyler makes his grand entrance looking boyishly handsome. His babyface makes him an unconvincing Army sergeant. Nevertheless he is working his camouflage banana hammock and combat boots. Cue the music and smoke machine. Tyler begins gyrating to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, and the oil on his body makes him glisten in the laser lights.
Watch out ladies, he's got you in his sights as he shimmies over to collect his well earned $1. Don't faint now, his eyes are locked on you like a heat seeking missile. Even if you do faint, he would save you like they saved Private Ryan. He is unstoppable now putting on a full frontal assault to your face.
As he slinks back to his foxhole, the smoke slowly fades away and he leaves you in need of a medic.
Watch out ladies, he's got you in his sights as he shimmies over to collect his well earned $1. Don't faint now, his eyes are locked on you like a heat seeking missile. Even if you do faint, he would save you like they saved Private Ryan. He is unstoppable now putting on a full frontal assault to your face.
As he slinks back to his foxhole, the smoke slowly fades away and he leaves you in need of a medic.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
People Food
That's right folks, Burger King has come out with a cologne. Appropriately named Flame, 5ml bottles cost a staggering $4 and allegedly contain the intoxicating odor of flame-broiled burger. Mmmm. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat. Alternatively, just rub yourself down with an actual burger. Hello ladies! What, you never seen a guy with a pickle on his neck?
Jenn and I are holding out for eau de chicken nuggets.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Nipple Crusader
We all know the masked avengers of the night: Batman & Robin, Spider Man, Parker's mom...yet we know so little about an up and coming man of mystery, The Nipple Crusader. You wouldn't recognize him on the streets on a normal day but when the call came, he would be there. Have your nipples ever slayed a polar bear? I think not!
From his deck shoes to his mock turtleneck this man of mystery is cloaked only by his 'stache. He is relatively uninteresting but he is quite flexible. I should know as he stretches daily by my desk. His nipples are made of steel. We know this because they are visible through his clothing.
He is to Batman what Frank Stallone is to Rocky. Perhaps he is not the smoothest operator, but when it comes to being irrelevant, he is your man. Women swoon over him…we haven’t met these women, but we’re sure they’re out there somewhere.
So if this sounds like the guy for you, don't be nippy, apply in a snippy
From his deck shoes to his mock turtleneck this man of mystery is cloaked only by his 'stache. He is relatively uninteresting but he is quite flexible. I should know as he stretches daily by my desk. His nipples are made of steel. We know this because they are visible through his clothing.
He is to Batman what Frank Stallone is to Rocky. Perhaps he is not the smoothest operator, but when it comes to being irrelevant, he is your man. Women swoon over him…we haven’t met these women, but we’re sure they’re out there somewhere.
So if this sounds like the guy for you, don't be nippy, apply in a snippy
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