Friday, May 29, 2009

Don't Judge Me


I was almost that drunk. I'm not sure who this poor soul is, but I hope she made it home. I feel like a rat crawled in my mouth and died. I woke up wearing men's underwear and a wife beater with a vibrator under my pillow. Harms is on the road to recovery as well. I have plans of taking a nap in the room where nursing mothers pump their milk. I have needs too. I have a sneaking suspicion I made Jesus cringe last night. Not even kolaches could save us today. It took Jack in the Box and battle throw ups to make us feel human again. I puked in my shoe, but my feet don't stink. Maybe Jesus isn't mad at me after all.

Today's List: Top Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Classify Me As A Friend

5.) Your demise is meaningless. I don't give a flying fuck if you live or die. If you should die, most likely I'll feel obligated to attend the funeral, but only to keep myself in balance with the social order. My biggest concern will be purchasing a black dress instead of your transition into nitrogen and phosphorus.

4.) Your birthday is equivalent to Flag Day on my calendar. I might know your birthday month and be happy with that. I can't be expected to waste valuable mental space on remembering the exact date. In the overall scheme of life, knowing Pythagorean Theorem is more important than knowing which day your mother had her vagina dismantled. Cesarean babies can blow me.

3.) If you're looking for empathy you've come to the wrong place. I don't care if you hate your job or can't get laid. I have my own problems. If you really need someone to talk to, pay a hundred and fifty bucks an hour for a shrink. Now that I think about it, I'm passing up a lucrative venture. My fee will be seventy-five and I won't blame everything on your parents.

2.) Loyalty is my weak suit. I will sell you out to the highest bidder. Which in most cases is me. I will turn against you at the drop of a hat to fulfill whatever self-serving, selfish need I have at that particular moment. Basically, don't tell me you cheated on your boyfriend and I won't use it against you to try to put the screws to him.

1.) Just like anyone else, you annoy the living shit out of me. I have fifty to a hundred idiosyncrasies or characteristics that flat out makes me want to hit you with a shovel and bury in a shallow grave. The next time I see you I'll have already bought the shovel and scouted locations.

She's Like the Wind Through My Knees


Last night Harms and I were snubbed and uninvited to a birthday soiree. To add insult to injury we almost got into a head on collision with Robert Redford (or his twin brother). The Horse Whisperer was barreling through the parking lot in his Mercedes. No worries. We headed to our local watering hole in the burbs. It was karaoke night and I was ready to rock.

After a plethora of boozies, it was time to take the stage. Because I'm crazy for Swayze I performed a duet of She's Like the Wind. While I'm no professional, my efforts were applauded. A tone deaf Mexican loved our rendition. I was flattered. I couldn't tell if he liked the song or my boobies. Perhaps a little from column A and a little from column B.

After the performance I felt the need to do the Pachanga at Kellerman's. Because God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hats off to you

Congratulations to all the graduates out there. It was a long hard journey to get to this point, but you managed to make it out before all U.S. schools turned into slave labor camps run by whip-wielding Chinamen. If you're feeling left out because you didn't graduate this year, I'd be more than happy to give you an honorary degree from Douche University. You've more than earned it.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Sense

They have their own society, you know...

Comfortable overstuffed chair w/audubon - $30

We’ve had this in our enclosed deck and it’s in good shape with no tears, no odors, smokers or cats around. It has a drip stain from a storm that some water got in from but will clean up very nice for any room. xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com




This endangered species of audubon was preserved thanks to the efforts of the National Audubon Society. Please remember them with your philathropic donations, because if audubons go extinct, where will we put our feet? WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FEET??

Sorry, but this is a cause I believe in very strongly, as you can tell. I’ve seen firsthand the devastation that losing a species of audubon can create, and I don’t want this to happen to the rest of the civilized world. SAVE THE AUDUBONS!

And if you’re not interested in saving the audubons (because you’re a TERRIBLE person), perhaps you’d be interested in this?

Free couch and 2 automans

free couch little stained…i usually just put a blanket over it…i got it for free on CL so i just wanted to return the favor. Two matching automans as well. Cannot deliver or help load.




Maybe free automans will tug at your heartstrings enough. No? My god, people, what do I have to do to get through to you?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Like a Drifter I Was Born to Walk Alone

I'm due to have my hair permanently straightened, but I have some severe 80's Hair Band frizz going on today. I'm feeling compelled to roll around atop the hood of my Nissan Altima a la Tawny Kitaen. However, such vehicular acrobatics requires a level of flexibility I’m not sure I have. Not to mention I don’t have anywhere to plug in my smoke machine.

While I will always have a little 80s Hair Band Slut in me, I must retire my scrunchie and my industrial-sized can of Aqua Net. I will, on the other hand, keep my leather mini dress and silver studded belt for obvious reasons.

Fuck You Fingermonkey!

In the style of FU, Penguin:



What is UP with you, Fingermonkey? You're so cute I could just smooch you and hug you with my fingers forever and ever and EVERER. Do you have any idea how distracting your appearance is?

I mean, why do you dilate your pupils when you look at me? You do it on purpose don't you? You think you're SO CUTE. WELL GUESS WHAT, ASSHOLE? YOU ARE. And it's totally insensitive of you that you just waltz around with your cute little monkey face, clinging onto people's fingers and stationary items with your cute tiny paws, and distracting the hell out of them till they can think of nothing else than hugging you!

Fingermonkey, you might be really furry and tiny and therefore adorable by default, but that gives you no right to distract hard working people with your good looks. It's cruel and unnatural. WHAT am I going to tell my boss when he asks me for this week's paperwork huh? THAT THE FINGERMONKEY DISTRACTED ME? Yeah he won't buy that, Fingermonkey. And then when I get fired, it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

So stop being such a selfish bastard. Take your cute furry face and pokeable tummy elsewhere, you inconsiderate asshole.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tuesday Philosophy: Life is a Whore

I hope you don't mind if I wrap this up quickly. I have a date with someone I met on Craigslist. He asked me to bring piano wire, a tarp and a shovel. He sounds kinky. Hopefully this date will be a cute story we tell our grandkids one day.

These entries deal with a particular fetish that might strike some as odd, but a search reveals that this is a pretty common request on Craigslist. I’m not posting them because I think the fetish is weird; I’m posting them because they’re textbook examples of how not to post fetish requests. Carry on.


((Milking Mothers wanted, let me help you with your stress)) - 41
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Hello, are you a mom who is making too much milk? I know it can be very painful if it’s not released. I would love to assist you in that process. I’ve had a fetish for breast milk for a long time. Looking to help a lactating mother out,. Can be strickly a relief thing and nothing more. Or if your interested in persuing a more romantic and naughty arrangement that is acceptible too but seeking to help you relieve your stress. I’m a 41 year old male. Very safe, clean and discreet. If you could use the help and looking for someone who would relish the opportunity to assist you then drop me a line. Have a great day


What amuses me about this one is the philanthropic approach. “I know this can be a problem for you, so I will give of myself to help YOU out. Oh, by the way, I have a lactating fetish, but this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU.”

And then there’s this guy:

are you lactating? - m4w - 31
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ok im a freak or whatever you want to call me but i really want to sucle milk from the boosum please let me i will do what ever you want to thank you for such an honor


So it’s a sad testament to society that this guy has to begin his ad that way, but the lack of punctuation, capitalization, grammar, and creative spelling of suckle and bosom are an even sadder testament.

A Meeting of the Minds

Right now there is a closed door meeting between the two head honchos. Harms and I are looking through the window like a couple of Peeping Toms, and it looks serious. Could they be discussing the inappropriate stretching or perhaps Harms' abundance of cleavage? They're not loud enough for us to eavesdrop through the wall, so we are utilizing the lip reading skills we've honed during our time in Special Ops. We're watching intently and no dice! We can't read his lips through his mustache.

A brief flash of panic runs through us; What if we're on the chopping block? What if they know Harms didn't really run the Relay for Life? Nah! Surely they would fire the ugly people first. But if they did let us go, we have a Plan B. We will set up our back alley abortion clinic. I've already planned to take the knife I keep stashed in my pencil cup. Why do I have a knife in my pencil cup, you ask? It is to emphasize the fact that I don't make copies. I shouldn't have to explain any further.

Now HR has entered the office. It's official, someone is going home. We will spin our Wheel of Justice to determine who that may be. I'd like to fire the asshole who won't sign my confidentiality agreement. However I don't wear tight tapered pants and deck shoes so I'm not the boss. C'est la vie!

Friday, May 15, 2009

It is clear to see why you never get lei'd.

Aloha, it is Hawaiian Shirt Friday in the office. The think tank we call the boss decided this would be a great way to end the week. We think this is a great way to demonstrate what a douche he is. But, he is the boss, so we'll entertain his ideas. To kick off such an initiative, an office-wide email was sent encouraging everyone to kick it Hawaiian style; however the fever never really caught on.

Not to be deterred by such blatant disregard for the 'aina, he opted to wear his shirt anyway. By "anyway" I mean even though it is too tight, faded and tucked into his khakis. He has just luau'd his way into the Douchebag Hall of Fame. The ceremony begins at 1:00 pm. He must perform his daily stretches by Harms' desk to prepare for his induction hula. His pants are pulled taught over his coconuts. Mahalo, you have just made us vomit in our mouths.

So, before you don your best Hawaiian shirt, ask yourself, "do I look like Tom Selleck?" The answer is probably "no."






Thursday, May 14, 2009

Whachu Want from Me?

It is midday and already we have witnessed much hostility in the Galleria area. Earlier this morning Harms and I were almost run over by Angela Lansbury. I heard the Lincoln Town Car screech around the corner and then I made eye contact with the old bitch. She threw her hands up and said "What?" I would never have expected that sort of behavior from Jessica Fletcher on Murder She Wrote. She always had such a calm demeanor.

That wasn't going to ruin our day. So we hopped on the unicorn, gathered our Guatemalans and headed to the Galleria. Our fellow drivers all had their thumbs up their asses and we were paying the price. Horns a blaring and fingers a flying, we made it to our destination. The parking garage was packed and two motorists were exchanging words. We stood around and watched them fight and continued our walk to the mall entrance. Harms spotted the security guard, shouted "fight! fight!" and ran away.

Harms made a couple of purchases, and the sales lady says "I like your skirt! I saw the same one at Wal-Mart." Them were fightin' words. After leaving the Galleria, we were off to McDonald's. We patiently waited in line and were cut off by some whore in a Sequoia. I gave her the finger and Harms was ready to throw down. We cooled our jets and went back to the office.

I must be sure to add a bodyguard to the list of wishes I will submit to Jambi. If he wants me to be specific, I will ask for this guy to accompany us. He ain't takin' no shit, and he has a bird, so whachu want from me now bitches!

What are these benefits you speak of?

In an attempt to salvage a relationship gone south, my sister's ex boyfriend proposed they become Friends with Benefits. While this may be an ideal situation for just about anyone, there are a few things this guy must keep in mind before coming up with a scheme like that.

First, immediately cease the poolside lotioning and oiling. You are tan, and we know it. Keep it up, and you will forever smell like Banana Boat. Second, there are other clothiers besides Tommy Bahama. Although this style suggests you are as laid back as an island breeze, it also suggests you are a dumb ass. Third, and most importantly, she doesn't even want to be your friend. Sorry, you do not get a severance package. There is no Cobra or other benefits here for you.

I think Michael Bolton said it best, "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" He is a lyrical genius, and I would have no-strings-attached sex with Michael Bolton as I did with many people throughout my 20s. Don't judge me. I am a cold hearted snake - but that's another story for another time. Until then, commit his immortal words to memory.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho


Just as Cowboy Curtis asked Jambi for a pair of pajamas for the sleepover, I too have a wish...or two. I will not waste Jambi's time with silly requests.
  1. Make the jackass engineer, who talks slow and wears short-sleeved button downs take a nasty spill down the stairs today.
  2. Tell the girl with the orange tan she is ugly and should stop wearing white pumps.
  3. Leave burns on the skin of those who sport a Tommy Bahama shirt.
  4. Give me a unicorn so Harms and I can take a ride to the Galleria on our lunch hour.
  5. Provide a team of Guatemalans to carry our packages should we pick up a few things while at the Galleria.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

This one is spongeworthy

There are a lot of things I find immoral, and a lot more things I just plain don't like, and every single one of them should be banned. The government has done a lot to support my cause. They have introduced bills to ban gay marriage and flag burning all in an effort to support and protect my personal feelings. They may not have successfully passed these bills, but at least they are opening up public debate. You know the kind of debate I'm talking about. The kind where one side is absolutely right and there's no room for a differing opinion. Now that's what I call a democracy.

But despite all of the government's efforts to ban a few things I don't like, I can't help but be disappointed by the fact that they're not trying to ban EVERYTHING I don't like. Maybe they just aren't aware of everything I disapprove of. If that's the case, I'll help them out by mentioning a few things I don't like and explaining why they should be banned.

The first thing that's got to go is macaroni art. It may seem harmless, but I find it to be a waste of food and another excuse for kids to stop posing for internet photos. So, just like with gay marriage and flag burning, I'm asking the government to step in and turn my opinion into law. Let's go, you Washington fat-cats. Get off your lazy asses and ban macaroni art.

The next thing to go has to be cabbage. I'm sure someone out there eats cabbage, but I don't, so why keep it around? Cabbage is just lettuce's retarded cousin. And before people are all up in arms about cabbage farmers, let me say something. I like onions. You can just grow onions in place of cabbages and you'll do just fine. We all like onions. By which I mean I like onions and that's all that matters.

Those are just a few ways I think the government should make everyone be as much like me as possible, but I have so many more ideas. Here's a brief rundown of bans, mandates and whatever else I feel should be a law.

1 - Red grapes will no longer be allowed. If you can't handle green or purple you can go fuck yourself.

2 - Fjords. In fact, all things that contain a soft j have to go.

3 - Shadows. I'm not sure how we could go about banning shadows, but seriously, it's been long enough.

4 - Silent prayer. If you don't have the balls to pray out loud you shouldn't have the right to do it at all.

5 - Nieces and nephews. Babies aren't aware of the fact that they've just become a niece or nephew, but that's no excuse. They must be destroyed the very moment they are born.

I have plenty more, but I think we should get started on this list before I go any farther. Thanks for your time. Now be sure to do all that is in your power to make this the country that I, and I alone, want it to be. Oh, I almost forgot. No more Asians.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Your Pied Piper Has Arrived


Don't fight it. It's ok. He will lead you to the Air Castle where multi-colored sprites will besprinkle you with dream sparkles. You must be willing to wear the official Rainbow Clan loin cloth, and at the end of your stay you shall drink the Serum of Whimsy. Sure, the authorities will find your body in the woods, but don't be afraid. You will hitch a ride on the moon where you will circle the earth for all eternity. Now follow the soothing sound of his flute, and you shall be free.

Lights, Camera, Yikes!

If you thought modeling was for professionals only, think again! With Glamour Shots, you too can be a supermodel. Just follow these 5 easy steps.

1. Hot roll your hair and back comb it into a camera ready bouffant.

2. Liberally apply lipstick and rouge.

3. Get gussied up in your best gold lamè pant suit.

4. Ever so slightly tilt your head to the side.

5. And give us that come hither look that makes us melt!

Voila! Instant supermodel...


The BEST Patent of all time

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous.

I love the internet.



PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 5 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

One Bird



One bird.

One bird has made his home in the tree outside my window. He joins a host of other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds.

This bird is determined to be different. All the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds, start singing a sweet song as light dawn breaks across the sky.

And one bird starts his singing at 2am.

I'm not quite sure what's wrong with one bird. Do the bright lights from the street confuse him? If so, why would he ignore the advice of all the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds? I'm sure they've told him in their tweet tweet language that those lights are just for the ooky humans to see by. No reason to start singing.

Maybe one bird has insomnia. And instead of reading bird books or watching bird tv, he doesn't have a quiet chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds; he has decided to spread his insomnia to the humans that live nearby.

One bird doesn't care if humans like to sleep at night - and would like to do so with the window open. One bird doesn't understand cool breezes. One bird doesn't understand the very, very late blogging he has caused.

I'll have to make a point to chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds tomorrow. I'd like them to spread some words in their tweet tweet language.

One bird should know that in Houston shotguns are quite legal and available.

No bird.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Don't Lay the Jive on Me, Man

While polishing my dance moves for the weekend ahead, I had to summon the dance prowess of the cast of Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo, not to be confused with the XXX version Breakin' 2 Electric Bungalow. For those of you not fortunate enough to have seen the film, here is a brief synopsis.


In lieu of drugs and a life of crime, the kids in the movie prefer to breakdance. Their dreams are shattered when the community center, Miracles will soon be demolished to make way for a mall. So, Ozone (a.k.a. Shabba-Doo) and Turbo (a.k.a. Boogaloo Shrimp) set out to save Miracles. Special K joins the cause as she forgoes an ivy league education at Princeton to pursue her love of breakdancing. To add fuel to the fire, Special K and Shabba-Doo, who I might add is from the wrong side of the tracks, spark a romantic relationship. You can tell Ozone is from the streets because he ain't dancing for the man...he don't dance for anyone but himself! He also lives in a graffiti covered shed - now that's hardcore. But there is a silver lining. In true "Breakdancers Save the World" fashion, the crew put on a show and raise money to keep Miracles open. I know break-dancers have deep pockets, but boy was I shocked when they raised a whopping $80,000! Sprinkled throughout this captivating plot was a wholelotta dancing.

Not only did I learn how to Body Glide and Windmill, I learned a thing or two about putting on a killer fund raiser! Something that has served me well in my current profession. So, I'm dusting off my bandana and donning my favorite kicks...I'll see you on the cardboard, losers!

Lookin' for a Good Time?

If you're looking for something to do this weekend, might I suggest this place? I can live without the lounld music, but no dope smoking?! That's almost as blasphemous as a Last Supper rhinestone belt buckle. I suppose I will keep my pipe and other paraphernalia neatly tucked under the seat of my van. I will instead hit the gutter glitter with the other patrons of this fine establishment.

I imagine myself snorting rails in the bathroom with a woman named Tanya. She will most likely be wearing long ass jeans and pink halter top with the slightest hint of pasty white flab hanging over the waistband. She will think she is my friend and tell me how her boyfriend, Carl knocked the shit out of her and broke her two front teeth. It will be fun night considering I cannot bring beer inside and there is no rap music. At least I know I can sway to the sounds of blues and oldest. I better get my groove on soon as the D.J. will shut it down at 1:45.

Tanya better stop dancing like that, or she will have to face Carl. Not to mention her bruises have already turned yellow..."this means they're healing," she tells me. I don't know if I feel sorry for Tanya or that poor monkey! Ah, what a night.

Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma chameleon …

ladys this post is for you! please read! what a real man has to say - 38

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what im asking, is very , very, simple, my pictures are on here, so you see who i am, and im real, and my heart is real, my words are real, you see my pictures, yes , true, but a picture, can not tell you what im about. yes true, so please read my words, so you may understand,what this real man, is looking for, and asking , please here my words, feel them in your heart, for my love is real, my trust is real, my respect is real, my friendship is real,for i am real, what im looking for is you, the woman, who got used, im looking for the woman, who got played, im looking for the woman, who gave all her love, to someone and got no respect for it, im looking for the woman, who is so hurt for loving that someone, somuch and so true, who got her heart broke , for that love see shared, im looking for that one woman, who is so afraid to love again, becuse of the fear of getting her heart hurt, im looking for that woman, that was quit on, left behind , becuse someone wanted someone else, i looking for that woman, who is alone, and reading this , maybe crying inside becuse of the loss, and hurt, someone did to her, im looking, for the woman, who is having it hard , becuse she is fighting so hard to keep things going, im looking for the woman, who seeks, trust, im looking for the woman, who wants respect, im looking for the woman, who wants to be loved, for all the right reasons, not the roung ones, im looking for the woman, who has read, many, many, of these post but never answered one, im looking for the woman, who misses the family life, im looking for the woman, who puts her kids first, im looking for the woman, who still belives in happy ever after, im looking for that woman, who fights hard to build things, and works hard to see things grow, im looking for the woman, who never has to ask a man, for nothing, becuse a real man already knows what see needs from him, with out ever having to ask, him, well im a man, a real, good man, i have much love in my heart, no shame, for saying i love, well who ever reads this , please trust me for i understand love, and i have much pride in my heart, becuse i love, love is real, it is in us all, love is not a game, its not something to be played with, true, im looking for that woman, who gave everything, and got left with nothing, becuse she trusted the roung person, becuse she loved the roung person , yes i want to help you, and you help me, fill our voids in our lives, so that maybe you and i, will never have to search again, or wait, again, or hope, im looking for the woman, who has kids, or the woman who doesnt have kids, im looking for the woman, who wants a real , man, so maybe if you have read this far, your thinking is this post for real? yes, so here is what im looking to offer and give to you, my friendship, my trust, my respect, my word as a man i will never cheat on you for trusting me with your heart and love ! i will never say i love you and not mean it, i will never yell, at you , or fight with you, i will never disrespect, you, i will never lie to you, i will stand strong and be beside you, down the road of life, no matter how hard it is, or easy, and will not quit you, i will not give up on you, i will take how ever long it takes, to get the job done, i will never fail , me, you, or fail any promise, i make, i will buy flowers, i will give you gifts, of love, i will tell anyone and everyone, that no matter what anyone says i will belive in only your word, first, i will do all i can, to give us the best life, i will not steal, never have never will, what i want, no drugs, no bs, no lies, no fake i love you, no user or users of love, no quiters, no drama , no games, im looking for a woman, of value, a woman, of respect, and great worth, im looking for the woman, who belives in me, im clean, im in great, shape, im real, i have somuch good in me to give, to share, to offer, but i will tell you one thing i have never left a woman in my life, i have been, used, lied to, hurt, played, used for sex, used for money, cheated on, betrayed, on, i have been yelled at, quit on, left alone, i have paid much price for love, so yes men hurt women and women hurt men, i cant help that or change that, but ill i can do is offer what im about, who i am, what im willing to give and share, if you reply and we click, great, if not i will not tell you, or you tell me, we will stay friends, im not on here for sex, im on here becuse i belive the truth always get the truth, when you do mean it, please understand my word, i do belive you see were im coming from, im just me, and im saying good men, and women, still are out here looking for each other, im hear so please reply, send me a picture lets just talk, i have much more to share, take a chance, on me and maybe us, i will not let you down or make a fool out of you ever, i have way tomuch class and respect for women, i will read and reply to all, well this man has put his heart and truth out here for everyone to read and see, my email is open, my heart is open, and my love and friendship is open, this post contains nothing but the truth, so its important you only reply if your realy seeking, or wanting or looking for a real good man, thats free and clean, and real, and ready and waiting to find his soul mate for happy ever after, reply any time day or nite, this post will go to my phone, i give you much, respect and many thanks and hope to hear from you soon, just one man, looking for one woman, who has the other half of my biggest heart in texas, i do so hope your out there and reply back to me,,,,,thanks….




Um, I think you’ve got a little comma splice there. Oh, and there. And there. And … oh, never mind.

For the record, there’s only one period in this entire post (other than the four at the end). For those of you playing along at home, there’s 1,152 words in this post, and one period. Apostrophes? None. Commas? 242 of ‘em.

This sounds like a script for Christopher Walken.

There were pictures with the post, but I’m going to take pity on the guy and not post them here. Why? Because deep down, I’m a softy. He sounds really sincere. I believe he’s looking for love — I just think the written word might not be … let’s see, how can I put this delicately? I don’t think it’s his strongest suit.

If there was ever a post that qualified for both “Ow! My eyes!” and “punctuationally challenged,” this is definitely it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Get your “stink-free” underwear here

FREE UNDERWEARS!!!
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anyboody want some free underwears? i got 9 mens large breefs. desent shape, no big holes, no skid marks. i didtn wear them hardly much and dont fit no more. my loose is you’re gain!











Wow. I do like the variety of underwear displayed. You have the leg-hugging shorts, lots of basic black (it’s always chic, a man’s version of the little black dress), and the velour couch-print speedo-style; but my favourite for sure are the beigey-pinky briefs. It doesn’t get any sexier than those. And no skid marks? How awesome is that? Cuz, when I want free underwears, skid marks are a dealbreaker. So are big holes, although I don’t mind a few small ones. One has to have standards when it comes to free underwears. I can’t just take just any free underwears from just anyboody. And best of all, their loose is my gain! How can anyoone pass up such a great offer?”

Yup, that about covers it. Unlike those leopard-print speedos.

Mustache Flashback

While making a mental list of all mustaches upon which I'd like to take a magic ride, I started here...



Ladies, his private eyes (clap!) are watching you (clap, clap!), they see your ev'ry move. It may appear as though John Oates took a backseat to the more camera friendly Daryl Hall, but we all know his mustache took center stage. I'm no stranger to the Magic Mustache Ride; however I have never encountered one so substantial. It is burly, yet groomed, suggesting he is in the running to be crowned Master of the Mustache. He has since sheared his labial coiff in favor of a bare upper lip, but I can't go for that (no can do). I will have to retire this dream to the archives and move on. In remembrance of what once was, I leave you with the following video for your viewing and listening pleasure. Just close your eyes and you'll feel it...



It gets a 6.5 from the Romanian judge

These two entries are both from the same metropolitan area:

student wants to learn doggi style
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I want to learn to do doggies with style…..and perhaps photography


My desperate hope that this was someone asking for instruction on pet grooming were dashed when I realized that this post came from the “Adult Gigs” section.

As does this:

private lap dancers wanted
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big breast and boobs a plus no exp. nessacary


This guy’s demanding — he wants a big breast AND boobs. I’m no slouch in the boobs department, but I don’t also have a big breast, so I guess I’m out. If the boobs don’t have to be big, we could set him up with these boobs. That might teach him to be a little more specific.

Monday, May 4, 2009

No, seriously. What. The. Hell.

Bronze Lady Coffee Table - PICTURES

You are looking at a Bronze-Lady coffee table. The table itself is shaped as a naked lady made of bronze material, as seen in the pictures below. Face is covered with tape for protection. Glass is round and 1 inch thick. Overall wieght is 200 pounds. This piece is in excellent condition with no broken pieces. Looking for BEST OFFER OVER $1,500

















Oh, I have questions, all right. How much time do you have? Because I have questions.

1. First of all — what the hell?
2. Why are there bottles of nail polish, a TV remote, some kind of videogame controller, and what looks like a jar of Noxema near this naked bronze lady’s ass?
3. Picture #2 — now I know what the view looks like when you’re giving someone a brazilian wax.
4. OMG, and an open container of vaseline. No really, look at picture 3.
5. While you’re looking at picture 3, please notice that the bronze lady is wearing a black sock — and WTF is the reflection of the face just above her foot?
6. What is that thing on her stomach?
7. Picture #7 — you couldn’t have cleared the crap off the table before taking pictures, could you? At least wipe up the cocaine residue, for heaven’s sake.
8. Picture #8 — WHY IS HER FACE COVERED IN TAPE? That’s really disturbing.
9. No, really — what the hell?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Do you think she sings in the shower?

$940 / 1br - williamsburg loft

its a 4 bedroom loft style apt. 1 bathroom huge kitchen/living room. 1 stop into manhattan on the L train. tons of bars/restaurants/shopping in the area. amazing roof/view

if its just for the month thats fine, but theres a chance you can sign the lease in june if everyone gets along

$940/month plus utilies

please let me know soon!














My god, this is like the Best. Apartment. Ever. I get to live with Aretha Franklin and that random hipster dude! Or is that a girl? Who cares! I’d be living with the freakin’ Queen of Soul and a hipster androgynous person who are both wearing massive bows! We could sit around all day making sure that all of our bows match the sofa. And we could worry about that strange glow emanating from the kitchen, but I know Aretha Franklin would protect me from it.

The hipster dude/tte and I could discuss how great his/her current favorite band is, until three days later when s/he decides they’re too popular to like anymore and that s/he has a new favorite band that nobody’s ever heard of because they haven’t even formed yet. And then Aretha would come in and start bellowing “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” and we’d be like, “Aretha, calm down, we’ll do the dishes in a minute.” And the glittering light from her Swarovski crystal bedazzled bow would light up the New York evening, and oh, how we’d laugh...