Monogamous Gerbils’ would be a terrible name for a band.

Craigslist strikes again!

All it takes is one… - w4m - 26

“Nice girl with a big heart looking for a sweat guy. I like bathes and showers as well. Most people only like one if that!!! I like to keep my options open. Tired of being pushed around and mistreeted. Iwant someone who respects me for who I am and knows how to treat a cute girl. Being able to listen to lots of opinions I might have when I’m drunk is always a plus. So is knowing how to handle a gerbil. I have 7 and they are like my kids, I luv them, alot!!! N*E*WAYZ I will go now if you want to know more just ask, I’m an open book. i prefer at least 6 inchers. I can deal with less but it’s not near as fun. no small weiners! lol “

Why is this in quotes? Is it a transcription? Was she dictating this to someone?

It’s a good thing she likes baths and showers if she’s going to be looking for a sweat guy.

I’m still trying to figure out the “N*E*WAYZ I will go now” bit. I mean, I know what it means, but why would someone write that in a personal ad? It sounds like something a third grader would write in a letter to a penpal. “Dear Jimmy, How is your summer? My summer is fun. I went to camp and then went bowling. N*E*WAYZ I have to go now, it’s time for dinner. Johnny”

And I’m hoping I’m not the only one who (at first) thought that ‘6 inchers’ referred back to the gerbils.

Turning water into rhinestones

Another awesome ad from Craigslist

Jesus Last Supper Belt Buckle - $20

Silver-tone and gold-tone with lots of bling rhinestones.
Heavy metal belt buckle with Jesus at the Last Supper.
Measures: 4″ W x 3 1/4″ H.
Fits 1 1/2″ size belt.

$20.00 cash / pickup or meet at convenient location.
Will ship. Buyer pays S & H.




Jesus was all about the bling rhinestones. The BeDazzler is Jesus’s way of saying he loves us.

Make it rain Tyler!!!

Exactly how many choirs are there?

Ad from Craigslist

$1 Feamle roomy needed.

I’m a Male in my 30’s, in need of a Female room mate, 19 to 27, Free rent and a car, keep the house clean and do the choirs. Plus a few things more ( Personal.)No Drugs, No Drama. U must send a Picture or a Myspace link.I just don’t have the time to do anything. Just work too much.Tell me a bit about you, to insure it’s not spam mail.

You mean, more personal than doing the choirs? How many people are in each choir? I mean, if it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep the house clean.

I think this one needs a translation. Here’s how I’m reading it — anyone got a better translation?

I’m a male in my 30s who is incapable of forming or maintaining a meaningful relationship. I’m looking for a female with low self-esteem who will act like my mother during the day and a sperm receptacle in the evenings. I will maintain that this is a business relationship so that when I get bored of you I can toss you away like garbage. Oh, but I’m shallow, so you should be hot.

Is it Friday yet?

The morning began bright an early at 3:45. I got to the gym at 5:00...it's legs day. I'm hoping all this hard work will yield a tight ass. After sweatin' like whore in church for an hour and a half, I hit the showers. I get to the office only to find Harms is sad and having a bad morning. Shall I hold her like a baby? Perhaps a hug will be sufficient. Maybe we can spoon in the janitor's closet later this afternoon.

I log on to my computer and my sister IMs me. What? She almost got shanked at the gym?! Holy Toledo! As it turns out, her run-in with the Queen Latifah look alike wasn't that exciting. She just shot her the stink eye from across the gym, but I can see how one could be intimidated by Queen Latifah wearing a sports bra and pumping iron like prisoners do in "the yard."

So, I've been doing some online shopping trying to find the perfect Christian Louboutins when all of a sudden...bubble guts! I'm sick. I'm puky and Harms is in tears. This is not how I envisioned our unproductive Thursday to be. I'm going home and taking a nap. We will be in full effect tomorrow, so watch your back sucka!

Happy Secretary's Day, Bitches!

I am not a real secretary, but I play one television. Well, maybe not on television, more like during "Role Play Thursdays" at my house. In any event, it's time to give your secretary a good slap on the ass and tell her thank you for answering your phone and pouring your coffee. This is assuming of course you are not the run-of-the-mill douche bag boss. By this I mean, you do not don a mustache or wear deck shoes and slacks to the office. The members of Special Ops are fortunate enough to witness such douchebaggery on a daily basis.

Harms takes it one step further as said douche stretches while standing at her desk. Such stretching involves an abundance of bending, lunging and flexing. It's amazing how limber one can be while wearing ill-fitting, tapered slacks and a shirt stretched to its limits. Keep in mind fellas, your testicles should not appear as though they are wrestling and fighting for space in your pants. It has become quite clear Harms needs a raise. I, on the other hand, have gotten off relatively easy. I get an occasional shoulder rub and pat on the back - nothing a little gag reflex can't clear up.

Enjoy your Hump Day as Harms and I help ourselves to a leisurely lunch filled with Pei Wei and shoe shopping. Don't forget...I don't make copies nor will pick up your dry cleaning!

Next Season on Dancing with the Stars

Here's who I think would be great on Dancing with the Stars:

1. Courtney Love - her pale, bruised body would look fabulous in a ball gown. Hey, they have a 5-second delay, right?

2. Danny Devito - I wanna see this fat little bastard do the quick-step

3. Rob Zombie - in a tuxedo? Doing the mambo?

4. Rosie O'Donnell - picture it. Picture it again.

5. RuPaul - think of the possibilities.

6. Tom Green - because I hate him, and there's a chance someone will kick the crap out of him on live TV.

7. Mike Tyson - I wanna see his reaction when one of the judges criticizes his technique

8. Pamela Anderson - I hope one of her boobs flops out of her dress.

9. Jenna Jameson - Gotta have at least ONE pornstar.

10. Jesus Christ - If he can walk on water, I bet he can do a mean Pasa Doble.

11. George W. Bush - for the same reason as 6.

12. Paul Reubens (Pee Wee) - Tequila!

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. And that includes nothing

Well March has come and gone and we couldn't be happier. Jen was super busy with proposals while I was filling in for "Burrito Hands" while we found her replacement. Alas, we did and things are getting back to normal. Well as normal as normal gets 'round here.

Although we were hard at work we still found time to have a little fun. Jen and I hosted a New Employee Meet & Greet at a local brewery. The time was spent throwing back some brewskies and catching up...and of course, adoring us. We took lots of great pics there and luckily the camera did not make it to the after party cause it got crazy! Between the shots of tequila, the cigars, Jen performing her rendition of Violent Femmes' Blister in the Sun and the wad of $1's I shoved down her pants, which she apparently peed on later in the evening, it was a good time had by all.

So it's Thursday, not quite the weekend but almost. Parkie and Tyler are out of the office today playing golf with clients, leaving Jen and I to entertain ourselves all day. This shouldn't be too hard. I mean just the other day we laughed our asses off in a conversation about a hat and a broom. Or laughed till will cried talking about "chocolate dream". Or thinking about how much better we would have been filling in for Blanche and Dorothy on Golden Girls.

The day is coming to a close and I am Jen's ride home today. I think a stop at Fajita Rita's might be in order. Till next time, we bid you adue or aboobaboo, whatevs.