Craigslist never fails to amaze me

Attractive Couple Looking for Acrobactial Midget - mw4w - 25
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Smart, young sucessful couple is looking for a attractive, short female who is under 4 feet tall. We enjoy being active and like to do things out doors. Boating, BBQing, camping, and anything fun. Must be athletic or at least willing to do atheletic things like gymnastics and poses. This will not be a sexual relationship, unless it leads to that in future. No major health problems, 420 friendly is a plus. Must like dogs and mexican hats. Please respond with pictures to get pictures! Hope to hear from your shortness soon!

My brain can’t parse the word “acrobactial”. I keep seeing antibacterial. “The Antibacterial Midgets” would be a terrible name for a band, though.

I think this came out of a conversation in which the couple sat down and said, “Are our friends diverse enough? Let’s see, we’ve got Mike — he’s gay AND African-American, so that covers two. Mindy is half-Asian — does that count? We’ll have to look for more Asian friends. Rafael is Hispanic, Sandeep is from India, and Björn is from Sweden. You know what we’re missing? A midget. Let’s put an ad on Craigslist looking for a midget friend/sex partner. Then we’ll officially be diverse and hip.”

I mean, let’s be honest here: who doesn’t need an athletic, weed-friendly, mexican-hat wearing midget in their lives? I know I do.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

The grass is always greener on the other side. So go kill that guy and steal his grass.

Happy Friday Bitches!

Crank Call

Little Boy: Hello?

Me: Oh...Hi. Umm...How old are you?

Little Boy: I'm going to be five next week. Mommy says I'm going to get a new bike.

Me: Well...I was going to do this joke where I ask for "Mike Hunt" and then you would...I don't suppose you know what "cunt" means?

Little Boy: No, but I can sound like a dinosaur - RAWWWRRRR!

Me: Hey...that's just great. This whole idea kinda got derailed. Bye kid.

Little Boy: Bye, you fucking cunt. [click]

Stock Blocked

As the U.S. economy continues to struggle, market experts are throwing around the word "recession" as if it were a racial slur. Personally, I don't understand how anyone can even hint at a recession in a country where people are spending millions of dollars on the work of Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn. I'm no economist, but if the situation were really so dire, I think people would forego spending money to have their child's soul raped.

But okay, let's assume we are on the verge of an economic catastrophe. How does this affect me? Thankfully, even as the market remains shaky at best, the value of my gold bars and secret political sex tapes remains steady. Also, I have people I pay to keep an eye on stocks and do my crying/wrist-slashing for me.

For those of you who aren't so fortunate I would like to help. Assuming moving to another country or simply not caring aren't viable options for you, here are some tips on how to prepare for the impending financial crisis.

As gas prices continue to soar, the average American is feeling the pinch at the pump. To avoid this, ride a bike to work. With the money you'll save, you can shove $20 bills in your ears to muffle the taunts of "Nice bike, fag" coming from motorists.

Ladies: Don't just think of that thing you're sitting on as a baby-making, waste disposer. Believe it or not, there are men who will pay you to put their penis in it. After you've exhausted its usefulness, your butt, mouth, hands or unusually deep belly button will do in a pinch.

How about you use those food stamps for food instead of 40s and cigarettes; you system-abusing, child-neglecting, filthy piece of...never mind. Hi mom!

Along with gas prices, food prices have also gone way up. One solution would be to grow your own vegetables and buy store-brand items. Or you could just stop eating so much, fatty.

Recycle. In addition to helping the planet, you'll also be able to line your pockets with a cool $1.12 for only a few weeks work. (Note: Homeless people are a great source of aluminum cans.)

Ever hear of actually doing your job and saving money? Jesus Christ...it's not the economy's fault you've had three jobs in two months and you spend what little money you have on Old Milwaukee. You piece of human garbage...just look at yourself! FUCK!

I've got a weird feeling. Go to Vegas right now. Put everything you have on 22 black. Didn't work? Sorry about that. Just go give handjobs until you have enough money to get back home.

Although not as profitable or glamorous as being an actual pusher, there's no shame in being a really good drug mule.

As technology advances, it is becoming more and more difficult to duplicate the look and feel of modern bills. Fortunately, it is incredibly easy to make a passable penny. Just go out and buy massive amounts of copper and get to minting. Now you're on your way to financial freedom!

It's Ladies' Night and the Feelings Right

The ladies were in full effect Friday night. After a pre-party snafu, good times were had by all. Stacy, Harms and I graced the simple folk with our presence, and they were grateful. The beer was cold and the bartender was hot. I imagined myself doing bodyshots off his rock hard abs, but his girlfriend was front and center. I couldn't tell if it was my beer goggles, but she vaguely resembled a character from the Dark Crystal. It was nice of her to come out of her cave, but it really wasn't necessary.

We spotted a few celebrities, but none who outshone our star power. Jack Nicholson and his lovely date sat next to us. She tried to elbow her way into our circle of awesomeness but was brutally rebuffed. Not even Jack could help her now. He would need to help her with that halter top and perm before he even approached us about membership. Harms rubbed her cleavage on Doogie Howser and turned him ten shades of red. She didn't get the memo that Doogie just came out of the closet, but if anyone's boobies can turn a gay man straight...

Stacy was in the corner being wooed by Edward Cullen. Stacy may look easy, but her pants were like Fort Knox. Edward's pompadour deflated an inch or two when he learned he would not be taking her home. That wasn't the only heart she broke that night. Hall & Oates said it best "watch out boy she'll chew you up (oh oh here she comes) she's a maneater!"

It was a fabulous night, and I learned a few lessons:

1. Jager Bombs + Camels = death
2. Perms belong in the 80s
3. Doogie Howser is gay
4. The Dark Crystal is still a good movie
5. A thong and the absence of pants cannot inhibit the perfect execution of the Worm
6. We definitely earned the nickname Bone, Thugs N Harms

We'll see you at tha crossroads so you won't be lonely.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears...

I'm tired of people trying to get me into Heaven. I don't think I'd like it there. I don't think I'd know anybody. They say it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than to get a rich man into heaven. OK, that settles it. I don't want to go to heaven if it's all poor people. I won't know anybody, except for Hector my gardener. I like Hector, but I think we've already exhausted our entire conversation potential when we discussed just how much we both liked the Taco Bell Club Chalupa. I'd rather be in Hell with all of my friends. And why are religious people always quoting John in 316? I know Tony, who lives in 317, and it's literally across the hall. He said John is a complete douchebag who kills kittens with his bare hands, and sits with the door open wearing a beret, and masturbating to the Disney Channel.

That's Not Funny

The other day I was returning from the commissary here at "the prison" in a perfectly good mood. When I got back to my desk, I found yet another restraining order on my desk. And I thought, "Those bitches in accounting have no sense of humor." This got me thinking about the nature of comedy itself. Are there things that are always, unconditionally funny? After moments of deep thought, I believe I have put together the definitive list of ten things that are always funny.

10. TIE: Farting in an elevator/"Pull my finger"

9. Watching fat people do aerobics

8. Unscrewing the top of the salt shaker at a restaurant

7. Asking the homeless for money

6. Actors discussing their, "craft"

5. Crank calling the White House

4. Anything bad that happens to the rich

3. When you're hooking, and you pretend to be a lady

2. A monkey in a diaper

1. Garfield by Jim Davis. Where does he get this stuff?

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Whenever I see a kid in a wheelchair it makes me a little sad. Because I always think, "Gee, they could have used those same wheels to make a bike for a regular kid." What a waste.

Delicious Monkey $18.95

'Cause sometimes a tasty seahorse is just not enough

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. And me? I'm just wondering why Candice Bergen peed in my glass.

Today's List: Top Four Reasons The Bartender Will Never Fuck You

So I was enjoying a beer at my bar last night when this guy walks in...it was all downhill from there.

1) You're a cheap motherfucker. When you only leave coinage, you might as well put your genitalia in a space bag. There won't be any use for them until 2014.

2) Those witty comments you think you're working them over with aren't witty. You're not Jackie Gleason when you're drunk. You're Josh the Cross-Eyed Douche Bag. Well that's at least how you'll be referenced for the next week to her friends.

3) You hold your liquor like a fourteen year old Amish girl. They don't need 20/20 vision to see you have urine on the front of your pants or are showing anyone who will listen the scratch you just got from falling down the front steps. If it's between you or masturbating for the month, have mommy tuck you in right now.

4) If you can't sleep with anyone in the bar, who is extremely intoxicated, how the fuck are you suppose to sleep someone who is sober. That's like expecting them to pick the fat, pigeon toed kid with cerebeal palsy in kick ball. You only do it if they're related to you and if that's the case, you deserve each other.

I’d ask them if Jesus rode a dinosaur

from Craigslist...

An Unabridged Interview With Jesus

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I’m conducting an interview for a book with a person who remembers the life of Jesus. If you were to take part in the interview, what would your question or questions be?


Now’s your chance, folks — if you were to interview someone who remembers the life of Jesus, what would you ask them?

Dear Agnes Kanga

I just received an unsolicited email which I felt strangely compelled to answer. I don't usually respond to these things, but this one was so moving I just couldn't resist:

From: Mrs.Agnes Kanga
E_Mail: madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr

My Dearest One,

I am the above named person from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Alponse Kanga who worked with South Africa embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before his death. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $12.5 Million in a prime bank here in Abidjan.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next eight months due to a cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my H.B.P high blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or organization that will use this fund for the help of orphanages,widows and the charities. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that
wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above email address (madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr)

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another members for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here in. Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs.Agnes Kanga



Dear Agnes,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband Alphonse. After all the great work he did on the Ivory Coast - you know, at the Embassy - it's a shame for him to have met such a tragic end.

It's a shame about your H.B.P. High Blood Pressure Sickness and "cancer problem" too.

I'm also sorry (will the apologies ever end?) to hear that you are having such a hard time finding someone to accept your 12.5 million dollars. I am truly am amazed by your selfless desire to "use this fund for the help of orphanages, widows and the charities," and find it unbelievable that it would be so hard to find someone! Have you tried the United Way or the Red Cross? There are so many "the charities" to choose from. Maybe you should contact them before sending this message to random email addresses.

I think you may be barking up the wrong tree here, to be honest. I don't believe in God and I'm not crazy about babies. And orphans- ugh. Don't even get me started on orphans.

Given the opportunity, I would love for nothing more than to squander your 12.5 million dollars on cocaine, luxury cars, and paying world renowned chefs to attempt to make me the best sandwich that has ever existed in the history of mankind. I would also like to pay people to do things for my amusement— ie punch themselves, eat gross things (bugs, inedibles). I would love nothing more than to waste the money that Alphonse worked so very hard to get for nine years. I want to have nothing to show for it. I want to use it to make the world a worse place to live.

Still, you picked me. And I accept. I have attached all of my bank account information as well all of my personal info including my social security number. You didn't ask for any of this, but I figure it might have me snorting mountains of blow and paying people to eat bugs just a LITTLE BIT quicker, which makes it all worthwhile. I will also honor your request for no phone contact.

I don't know why, Agnes, but I trust you. Don't fuck me on this.

Call Me Now!

I talked to Miss Cleo and she said Harms and I were going to win the Manchester lottery. I think I believer her. I mean, how could you doubt that face…and that turban? People in turbans are very trustworthy, right? Needless to say I am pretty jazzed about her prediction. Not even my Magic 8 Ball could foresee such fantastic riches. The best part is I only had to pay $275.98 for the call. The first minute was not free because she called me collect from prison, but that will be a drop in the bucket compared to our winnings. You may caution me against taking her advice, but rest assured clairvoyance works within prison walls.

I will not reveal our winning numbers as Harms and I want to be the only winners. We have big plans of taking our unicorn to the Galleria and buying manicure supplies and wigs from the kiosks in the middle of the mall. Our nails and hair will shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. This will give people yet another reason to hate us. We don’t mind because there are plenty of those who adore us. And they will receive a complimentary wig for their loyalty.

Kumoniwannalaya

Wanda and Jermaine were just friends. Her thyroid problem and unsettling facial hair growth made her quite unattractive. Then during a weekend stay on the Big Island, something magical happened. Jermaine bared his chest and suited up in his fanciest loin cloth. He strummed sweet tunes on his ukulele and Wanda was smitten. Jermaine was shocked to discover Wanda has a large rack, and he kicked himself for not stickin' it to her sooner.

5 Things I Want to do Before I Die:

1. Ride a unicycle, because I've already ridden a unicorn.
2. Be a backup dancer for Beyonce.
3. Create George Washington's bust with Play Doh.
4. Have lunch with Alex Trebek.
5. See Harm's and my rap video on MTV

5 Things I Want to do Before I Die:

1. Make a rap video with Jen.
2. Start a riot in a white neighborhood.
3. Ride a pony with three legs.
4. Attend a sex party.
5. Train a monkey to make me the World's BEST Sandwiches.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

Because my life is relatively drama free, except for the near death incident with Robert Redford, I will vicariously live through my sister. Ole Tommy Bahama is rearing his ugly head again. He's like Stefano on Days of Our Lives. Just when you think he blew up on Bo's boat Fancy Face, he shows up at the Horton family Christmas party. In this case, we thought Tommy Bahama blew up while in the tanning bed, and lo and behold he shows up on Facebook. I'm surprised he could type such horrible things as his fingers must be burnt to a crisp. This real life "Stefano" is sure to stir up drama at every turn.

My sister is like Marlena, minus the part when she's possessed. Stefano will always harbor deep feelings for Marlena, but he still wants to destroy her. One day they will end up stranded in a cabin in the woods, and she will have to tell him she had his love child who is now 37 years old, but really only 6 years has passed. And then "Stefano" would make a face like he's thinking really hard, and to be continued... will flash across the screen.

Until the day when the lighting is good and there is an on-set make up artist, Tommy Bahama is not allowed on set. He must stay holed up in the make shift gym he has created in his house. He will be muscular and tanned and will resemble George Hamilton, minus the mole... and so are the Days of Our Lives.