Settle Early: Don't Waste Your Time on Dreams

If we've learned anything from TLC it's, "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls". Look what happened to Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. She chased that waterfall right off a fucking cliff.

People will often tell you to follow your dreams. This is terrible advice. You will never achieve your dreams. Yes, it's true that I did. But let's face it; you're not me are you?

Setting your mind on something is not going to make it happen. You can do anything if you set your mind to it? This is one of the biggest lies since, "I won't cum in your mouth." and "I have that other kind of AIDS."

If you try to follow your fantasies you're going to waste a lot of time. I suggest that instead you do something every day that makes you happy, or at least distracts you from your miserable existence. Find a hobby. Mine is crushing the dreams of others.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Actions speak louder than words. Unless of course, that action is sign language.

What a crock

FROGS FROGS FROGS!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELLO ! =)

I HAVE 4 TREE FROGS (THEY ALL CROCK)

3 OF THEM ARE DUMPY WHITE TREE FROGS AND THE OTHER ONE IS A RED LEGED TREE FROG

I WAS HIDING THEM FROM MY PARENTS AND THEY COUGHT ME SO NOW THEY HAVE TO GO =(

THERE GREAT EATERS , THEYRE REALLY HEALTHY,AND SUPER EASY TO TAKE CARE OF

THEY LOVE KRICKES AND BEING IN THE WATER BOWL

THEYER REALLY FRIENDLY LIKE TO BE CARRIED

THEYRE REHOMING FEE IS $21 EACH

THERE AS BIG AS YOUR PALM OF YOUR HAND


Today’s lesson: statistics.

Let’s say you have three forms of a word that sound the same but are spelled differently and mean different things. I don’t know, let’s say those words are there, they’re, and their.

Now let’s say that you write something that uses those words five times. What are the chances, if you use one of the three different spellings randomly each time, that you will get the proper word in the proper place completely by accident at least once? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 3 — each time you choose a word at random, there’s a 33.33% chance that it was the right one.)

Let’s add in an additional complication, just for fun: let’s say that you aren’t content with just the existing (and correct) three forms of the homonym, and you decide to add in your own incorrect version of the word, theyer. Now what do you think the chances are of getting the right version of the word in the proper place at least once is? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 4, or 25%.)

Okay, okay. Let’s move on and do a different type of problem. Let’s say that you have four frogs, all of which apparently are capable of enlarging their vocal sacs to act as a resonant chamber for the air being pushed through their larynx. Let’s say that you’re keeping them in your house. What do you think the chances are that your parents will not be able to identify this sound and its location?

Given those odds, and the spelling in the rest of this ad (crock? leged? cought? krickes?), for bonus points: What time will Train A arrive in Chicago?

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Fly and be free. If you can't be free, be inexpensive; you're worth it.

Prayer Hater

Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.

Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide.

Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better.

Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.

1. Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."
2. Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.
3. Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.
4. If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.
5. Always remember to press one to proceed in English.
6. If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.
7. The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.
8. No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.
9. Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.
10.Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.

I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.

Feliz Cumpleanos

Harms and I are celebrating our birthdays. Mine, tomorrow and hers, a week later. In true BFF fashion we would like to conjoin our celebrations into one mega mix of crazy. When we blow out our candles we will wish in unison for a celebrity appearance by Menudo. Why Menudo, you ask?

1. Pre-pubescent Puerto Rican boys in shiny, jewel-toned pants make us smile.
2. They bring new meaning to the words "rico, suave"
3. They have better hair than the Jonas Brothers (please see preceding photo)
4. We don't like hairy balls, so it's a win-win situation for all involved.

We can't think of a better way to celebrate the big three-oh than boozies and babyfaced Latin boys.

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

When I was young, I wanted to be famous. I thought it would be fun to be a rockstar and have an entourage. It seemed reasonable to model myself after Jem and my friends could be the Holograms. No one ever told me Jem was really a whore who wore too much makeup. "Synergy" wasn't really a holographic synthesizer used to transform Jem into a rockstar, it was just her code word for cocaine.

I used a lot of Synergy in my twenties, and I didn't end up with a record deal, nor did I have a boyfriend who looked anything like Rio. Not to mention the Holograms didn't turn out to be such good friends. They were just along for the ride and free blow. My line up of Holograms has seen more changes than Destiny's Child. Needless to say I'm still waiting to move into the Starlight Mansion, but with these economic times, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I guess we will have to reopen the Starlight House, but this time it will not be a foster home for underprivileged girls. It will be a whorehouse. Orphans don't generate enough income. This will be truly outrageous.

In the news...

Happy couple of days after Independence Day. Wasn't it great? The fireworks, the cookou-- I can't do this any more. Everyone is out of work and pretty soon California will be part of Mexico. What could we possibly have to celebrate?

Well, well, well... Death has certainly been a busy little beaver the past couple weeks. He went from a fat old guy to an aging formerly hot chick to creepy pop star to annoying infomercial guy to big-nosed old actor. I think the Grim Reaper's hitting the sauce kinda hard these days. What's next, is someone gonna kill a Jonas brother and throw him through the chest of Betty White?

All this celebrity death leaves us wondering who will be next. And while I can't tell you who it will be, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: Mickey Rooney will be around to piss on their grave.

The U.S. began its pullout from Iraq last week. Oh Iraq... It seems like we're always saying goodbye to each other. Oh well, I guess I'll see you in 10 years when it's time to go through the motions again. But I can't promise I won't invade other countries in the mean time. Take care of yourself.

SC governor Mark Sanford, once a top GOP contender for the White House, ruined his career after an affair with an Argentine journalist. People say this ruined Sanford's reputation, but I think it ruined Argentina's. It used to be this sexy, South American country, and now it's the place where Mark Sanford fucked. Man, this is like finding out Pat Boone goes to Candyland to eat black licorice.

In other "we're fucked" news, unemployment has reached a 26-year high at nearly 10%. Try not to panic. The situation looks bad on paper; but you won't need to worry about that once you resort to eating that paper.

Happy Hump Day Bitches!

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Good things come to those who wait. They come much sooner to those who steal them.

Filmed on Location with the Men and Women of Law Enforcement

This 4th of July weekend was full of surprises. I discovered my sister-in-law and her ruhtard boyfriend are destined to be featured on Cops. My Independence Day celebration began with the boyfriend jumping out of a moving vehicle. He's really smart. Needless to say, the whole incident ended with a visit from the Harris County Sheriff's Department. For the record, they encroached on our neighborhood from the ghetto. This part of my day was not at all surprising. The surprises I was referring to are as follows:

1. The cop was hot. Like, at any moment I expected him to pull out a boom box and dance.
2. I am capable of killing someone with my bare hands...or with a rock from my (dead) garden.
3. Denim cut-off shorts and a wife beater instantly make you a candidate for Cops.
4. Every family has one (you just don't want your neighbors to know).
5. She makes "Tanya" look normal.

While most people were boozing to the tunes It's a Grand Ol' Flag, America the Beautiful, the Star Spangled Banner and other patriotic classics, my theme song for the day went a little something like this.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

A bird in the hand is worth however many diamonds I shoved in its ass.