Chrismukah

There's magic in the air and music in my heart. That can only mean one thing. Merry Christmas! Or "Happy holidays," depending on which false religion you mistakenly follow.

If I have one wish this Christmas, it is for our president to carefully weigh the information gathered by the Iraq study group and do what's best for our troops. Unfortunately, Santa doesn't have the cure for retarded in his bag.

Another Christmas season is upon us and, once again, Jesus is getting all the attention. To paraphrase a popular yuletide song, all I want for Christmas is credit where credit is due.

Don't get me wrong. I have no problems with Jesus. I love the guy. I just think he gets a lot more credit than he should. Take two seconds to think about what Christmas actually is and I'm sure you'll agree. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ. How much say did he really have in the matter? For our birthdays, the rest of us get a card with a terrible pun and, if we're lucky, a cake that was hardly edible even when it was fresh. But Jesus, for simply plopping out of a pussy, like you, me and everyone else, gets praise and worship every December for over 2,000 years.

If you ask me, Christmas should be a celebration of Mary's vagina. She's the one that pooped out the savior without ever having known someone biblically (pun intended). Suffering through pregnancy without ever having enjoyed the usual cause of it is much more admirable than simply being born. Being born is so easy a baby can do it. I suggest renaming Christmas "Mary's Amazing Vag-mas" or "The Annual Tribute to That Magical Box."

Cause I've got a golden ticket...

Today's Random Thought by Harms

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Having said that, there's a lot you can't do.

I Caught an Epidemic THIS Big

Just as we did with mad cow, bird flu and monkey pox, it appears mankind has thwarted swine flu. And even though these diseases have collectively killed as many people as falling pianos in the past ten years, it is our duty as rational adults to react like five-year-olds fearing the boogeyman every time we're told of some disease we're unfamiliar with. I mean what's next? Giraffe Leukemia? Unicorn Hypochondria?

Jezz.

Ps. In case you are wondering, Giraffe Leaukemia is contracted by using a toilet immediately after a black virgin. Symptoms include hair and nails growing at their normal rate. Treatment consists of taking off clothes and screaming.

Unicorn Hypochondria is contracted by using hammocks. Symptoms include getting a song stuck in your head and being unable to name the guy in that movie. Treatment consists of taint-pinching.

For the sake of evil

I love this time of year. The birds are finally shutting up, the leaves are dying, the homeless are about to freeze and be scraped off the sidewalks... Plus I'm drunk. That puts a bright sheen on every season.

Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.

Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.

So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

The pen is mighter than the sword. But a guy with a sword through his chest can't use a pen.

OU vs. BYU

It's time for football, new TV shows, cool weather and milking Denny's waitresses. They may not be willing to oblige, but do what you must. If you get it out of them after September, you might as well be drinking goat milk.

OU vs BYU:

First let's start with how this game should have gone. BYU outplayed OU really the whole game. I know Bradford went out at the half, but he only had 96 yards passing. OU moved the ball better in the second half without him. So I propose that the score SHOULD have been 21-3. If BYU hadn't muffed the punt and thrown an interception at their own 20, OU would not have scored the TD and Field Goal. Add to that Chamber's fumble into the endzone and it seemed like BYU was TRYING to help OU win.

Now let's talk about how they DID win. BYU's D was awesome. OU was held to the least yards they've had in almost 3 years. Their two 1000 yard RBs managed barely 50 yards a piece, AND OU converted only 2-11 3rd downs! In order to win, BYU would have to keep the ball out the hands of OU's offense. BYU's winning drive, which included 2 3rd down conversions and an amazing no huddle 4th down conversion, took over 9 minutes capped off with the go ahead TD pass to Jacobsen in the end zone.

When Bradford returns, it will be interesting to see how this injury affects him the rest of the year, both mentally and physically. He's a fantastic quarterback, but coming back 100% from such an injury will be tough. It may even be possible that his first game back will be against Texas, a horrible opponent to return against. Right now, frankly, it's not looking good for the Sooners.

Tagged

Random/Weird things about me:

1. I think beer goes pretty well with homemade chocolate chip cookies.

2. I'm left-handed. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but only 17% of the whole world's human population is left-handed. Just like Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi, da Vinci, and Aretha Franklin, to name a few, I, too, have a ridiculous amount of trouble buying left-handed scissors. Also, more than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products, which makes me an endangered species.

3. I've never seen any of the Star Wars. Or Monty Python. Or Casablanca. Or mostly any movies that you would assume everyone has seen, including classics from any year.

4. When I was little, I wanted to be a farmer. I really liked animals, and thought it'd be a lot of fun to take care of them all....but that eventually got boring, and then I found my true calling in life: I wanted to be a car-washer. I guess I just really liked playing with the hose.

5. I hate beets. And plain white rice. They're both really gross.

6. My knowledge of hockey is confined to the Disney movie The Mighty Ducks.

7. I know all the words to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.

8. My feet cramp up for no good reason and I have to pull my toes back to forcibly stretch out my foot muscles.

9. I insist that I will never be one of "those parents" who speaks in the third person to their children, but then I find myself speaking in the third person to my cat.

10. I'm pregnant with MJ's baby.

Settle Early: Don't Waste Your Time on Dreams

If we've learned anything from TLC it's, "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls". Look what happened to Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. She chased that waterfall right off a fucking cliff.

People will often tell you to follow your dreams. This is terrible advice. You will never achieve your dreams. Yes, it's true that I did. But let's face it; you're not me are you?

Setting your mind on something is not going to make it happen. You can do anything if you set your mind to it? This is one of the biggest lies since, "I won't cum in your mouth." and "I have that other kind of AIDS."

If you try to follow your fantasies you're going to waste a lot of time. I suggest that instead you do something every day that makes you happy, or at least distracts you from your miserable existence. Find a hobby. Mine is crushing the dreams of others.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Actions speak louder than words. Unless of course, that action is sign language.

What a crock

FROGS FROGS FROGS!!!!

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HELLO ! =)

I HAVE 4 TREE FROGS (THEY ALL CROCK)

3 OF THEM ARE DUMPY WHITE TREE FROGS AND THE OTHER ONE IS A RED LEGED TREE FROG

I WAS HIDING THEM FROM MY PARENTS AND THEY COUGHT ME SO NOW THEY HAVE TO GO =(

THERE GREAT EATERS , THEYRE REALLY HEALTHY,AND SUPER EASY TO TAKE CARE OF

THEY LOVE KRICKES AND BEING IN THE WATER BOWL

THEYER REALLY FRIENDLY LIKE TO BE CARRIED

THEYRE REHOMING FEE IS $21 EACH

THERE AS BIG AS YOUR PALM OF YOUR HAND


Today’s lesson: statistics.

Let’s say you have three forms of a word that sound the same but are spelled differently and mean different things. I don’t know, let’s say those words are there, they’re, and their.

Now let’s say that you write something that uses those words five times. What are the chances, if you use one of the three different spellings randomly each time, that you will get the proper word in the proper place completely by accident at least once? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 3 — each time you choose a word at random, there’s a 33.33% chance that it was the right one.)

Let’s add in an additional complication, just for fun: let’s say that you aren’t content with just the existing (and correct) three forms of the homonym, and you decide to add in your own incorrect version of the word, theyer. Now what do you think the chances are of getting the right version of the word in the proper place at least once is? (The answer is, of course, 1 out of 4, or 25%.)

Okay, okay. Let’s move on and do a different type of problem. Let’s say that you have four frogs, all of which apparently are capable of enlarging their vocal sacs to act as a resonant chamber for the air being pushed through their larynx. Let’s say that you’re keeping them in your house. What do you think the chances are that your parents will not be able to identify this sound and its location?

Given those odds, and the spelling in the rest of this ad (crock? leged? cought? krickes?), for bonus points: What time will Train A arrive in Chicago?

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Fly and be free. If you can't be free, be inexpensive; you're worth it.

Prayer Hater

Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.

Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide.

Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better.

Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.

1. Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."
2. Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.
3. Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.
4. If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.
5. Always remember to press one to proceed in English.
6. If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.
7. The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.
8. No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.
9. Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.
10.Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.

I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.

Feliz Cumpleanos

Harms and I are celebrating our birthdays. Mine, tomorrow and hers, a week later. In true BFF fashion we would like to conjoin our celebrations into one mega mix of crazy. When we blow out our candles we will wish in unison for a celebrity appearance by Menudo. Why Menudo, you ask?

1. Pre-pubescent Puerto Rican boys in shiny, jewel-toned pants make us smile.
2. They bring new meaning to the words "rico, suave"
3. They have better hair than the Jonas Brothers (please see preceding photo)
4. We don't like hairy balls, so it's a win-win situation for all involved.

We can't think of a better way to celebrate the big three-oh than boozies and babyfaced Latin boys.

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

When I was young, I wanted to be famous. I thought it would be fun to be a rockstar and have an entourage. It seemed reasonable to model myself after Jem and my friends could be the Holograms. No one ever told me Jem was really a whore who wore too much makeup. "Synergy" wasn't really a holographic synthesizer used to transform Jem into a rockstar, it was just her code word for cocaine.

I used a lot of Synergy in my twenties, and I didn't end up with a record deal, nor did I have a boyfriend who looked anything like Rio. Not to mention the Holograms didn't turn out to be such good friends. They were just along for the ride and free blow. My line up of Holograms has seen more changes than Destiny's Child. Needless to say I'm still waiting to move into the Starlight Mansion, but with these economic times, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I guess we will have to reopen the Starlight House, but this time it will not be a foster home for underprivileged girls. It will be a whorehouse. Orphans don't generate enough income. This will be truly outrageous.

In the news...

Happy couple of days after Independence Day. Wasn't it great? The fireworks, the cookou-- I can't do this any more. Everyone is out of work and pretty soon California will be part of Mexico. What could we possibly have to celebrate?

Well, well, well... Death has certainly been a busy little beaver the past couple weeks. He went from a fat old guy to an aging formerly hot chick to creepy pop star to annoying infomercial guy to big-nosed old actor. I think the Grim Reaper's hitting the sauce kinda hard these days. What's next, is someone gonna kill a Jonas brother and throw him through the chest of Betty White?

All this celebrity death leaves us wondering who will be next. And while I can't tell you who it will be, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: Mickey Rooney will be around to piss on their grave.

The U.S. began its pullout from Iraq last week. Oh Iraq... It seems like we're always saying goodbye to each other. Oh well, I guess I'll see you in 10 years when it's time to go through the motions again. But I can't promise I won't invade other countries in the mean time. Take care of yourself.

SC governor Mark Sanford, once a top GOP contender for the White House, ruined his career after an affair with an Argentine journalist. People say this ruined Sanford's reputation, but I think it ruined Argentina's. It used to be this sexy, South American country, and now it's the place where Mark Sanford fucked. Man, this is like finding out Pat Boone goes to Candyland to eat black licorice.

In other "we're fucked" news, unemployment has reached a 26-year high at nearly 10%. Try not to panic. The situation looks bad on paper; but you won't need to worry about that once you resort to eating that paper.

Happy Hump Day Bitches!

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Good things come to those who wait. They come much sooner to those who steal them.

Filmed on Location with the Men and Women of Law Enforcement

This 4th of July weekend was full of surprises. I discovered my sister-in-law and her ruhtard boyfriend are destined to be featured on Cops. My Independence Day celebration began with the boyfriend jumping out of a moving vehicle. He's really smart. Needless to say, the whole incident ended with a visit from the Harris County Sheriff's Department. For the record, they encroached on our neighborhood from the ghetto. This part of my day was not at all surprising. The surprises I was referring to are as follows:

1. The cop was hot. Like, at any moment I expected him to pull out a boom box and dance.
2. I am capable of killing someone with my bare hands...or with a rock from my (dead) garden.
3. Denim cut-off shorts and a wife beater instantly make you a candidate for Cops.
4. Every family has one (you just don't want your neighbors to know).
5. She makes "Tanya" look normal.

While most people were boozing to the tunes It's a Grand Ol' Flag, America the Beautiful, the Star Spangled Banner and other patriotic classics, my theme song for the day went a little something like this.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

A bird in the hand is worth however many diamonds I shoved in its ass.

Craigslist never fails to amaze me

Attractive Couple Looking for Acrobactial Midget - mw4w - 25
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Smart, young sucessful couple is looking for a attractive, short female who is under 4 feet tall. We enjoy being active and like to do things out doors. Boating, BBQing, camping, and anything fun. Must be athletic or at least willing to do atheletic things like gymnastics and poses. This will not be a sexual relationship, unless it leads to that in future. No major health problems, 420 friendly is a plus. Must like dogs and mexican hats. Please respond with pictures to get pictures! Hope to hear from your shortness soon!

My brain can’t parse the word “acrobactial”. I keep seeing antibacterial. “The Antibacterial Midgets” would be a terrible name for a band, though.

I think this came out of a conversation in which the couple sat down and said, “Are our friends diverse enough? Let’s see, we’ve got Mike — he’s gay AND African-American, so that covers two. Mindy is half-Asian — does that count? We’ll have to look for more Asian friends. Rafael is Hispanic, Sandeep is from India, and Björn is from Sweden. You know what we’re missing? A midget. Let’s put an ad on Craigslist looking for a midget friend/sex partner. Then we’ll officially be diverse and hip.”

I mean, let’s be honest here: who doesn’t need an athletic, weed-friendly, mexican-hat wearing midget in their lives? I know I do.

Today's Random Thought by Harms

The grass is always greener on the other side. So go kill that guy and steal his grass.

Happy Friday Bitches!

Crank Call

Little Boy: Hello?

Me: Oh...Hi. Umm...How old are you?

Little Boy: I'm going to be five next week. Mommy says I'm going to get a new bike.

Me: Well...I was going to do this joke where I ask for "Mike Hunt" and then you would...I don't suppose you know what "cunt" means?

Little Boy: No, but I can sound like a dinosaur - RAWWWRRRR!

Me: Hey...that's just great. This whole idea kinda got derailed. Bye kid.

Little Boy: Bye, you fucking cunt. [click]

Stock Blocked

As the U.S. economy continues to struggle, market experts are throwing around the word "recession" as if it were a racial slur. Personally, I don't understand how anyone can even hint at a recession in a country where people are spending millions of dollars on the work of Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn. I'm no economist, but if the situation were really so dire, I think people would forego spending money to have their child's soul raped.

But okay, let's assume we are on the verge of an economic catastrophe. How does this affect me? Thankfully, even as the market remains shaky at best, the value of my gold bars and secret political sex tapes remains steady. Also, I have people I pay to keep an eye on stocks and do my crying/wrist-slashing for me.

For those of you who aren't so fortunate I would like to help. Assuming moving to another country or simply not caring aren't viable options for you, here are some tips on how to prepare for the impending financial crisis.

As gas prices continue to soar, the average American is feeling the pinch at the pump. To avoid this, ride a bike to work. With the money you'll save, you can shove $20 bills in your ears to muffle the taunts of "Nice bike, fag" coming from motorists.

Ladies: Don't just think of that thing you're sitting on as a baby-making, waste disposer. Believe it or not, there are men who will pay you to put their penis in it. After you've exhausted its usefulness, your butt, mouth, hands or unusually deep belly button will do in a pinch.

How about you use those food stamps for food instead of 40s and cigarettes; you system-abusing, child-neglecting, filthy piece of...never mind. Hi mom!

Along with gas prices, food prices have also gone way up. One solution would be to grow your own vegetables and buy store-brand items. Or you could just stop eating so much, fatty.

Recycle. In addition to helping the planet, you'll also be able to line your pockets with a cool $1.12 for only a few weeks work. (Note: Homeless people are a great source of aluminum cans.)

Ever hear of actually doing your job and saving money? Jesus Christ...it's not the economy's fault you've had three jobs in two months and you spend what little money you have on Old Milwaukee. You piece of human garbage...just look at yourself! FUCK!

I've got a weird feeling. Go to Vegas right now. Put everything you have on 22 black. Didn't work? Sorry about that. Just go give handjobs until you have enough money to get back home.

Although not as profitable or glamorous as being an actual pusher, there's no shame in being a really good drug mule.

As technology advances, it is becoming more and more difficult to duplicate the look and feel of modern bills. Fortunately, it is incredibly easy to make a passable penny. Just go out and buy massive amounts of copper and get to minting. Now you're on your way to financial freedom!

It's Ladies' Night and the Feelings Right

The ladies were in full effect Friday night. After a pre-party snafu, good times were had by all. Stacy, Harms and I graced the simple folk with our presence, and they were grateful. The beer was cold and the bartender was hot. I imagined myself doing bodyshots off his rock hard abs, but his girlfriend was front and center. I couldn't tell if it was my beer goggles, but she vaguely resembled a character from the Dark Crystal. It was nice of her to come out of her cave, but it really wasn't necessary.

We spotted a few celebrities, but none who outshone our star power. Jack Nicholson and his lovely date sat next to us. She tried to elbow her way into our circle of awesomeness but was brutally rebuffed. Not even Jack could help her now. He would need to help her with that halter top and perm before he even approached us about membership. Harms rubbed her cleavage on Doogie Howser and turned him ten shades of red. She didn't get the memo that Doogie just came out of the closet, but if anyone's boobies can turn a gay man straight...

Stacy was in the corner being wooed by Edward Cullen. Stacy may look easy, but her pants were like Fort Knox. Edward's pompadour deflated an inch or two when he learned he would not be taking her home. That wasn't the only heart she broke that night. Hall & Oates said it best "watch out boy she'll chew you up (oh oh here she comes) she's a maneater!"

It was a fabulous night, and I learned a few lessons:

1. Jager Bombs + Camels = death
2. Perms belong in the 80s
3. Doogie Howser is gay
4. The Dark Crystal is still a good movie
5. A thong and the absence of pants cannot inhibit the perfect execution of the Worm
6. We definitely earned the nickname Bone, Thugs N Harms

We'll see you at tha crossroads so you won't be lonely.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears...

I'm tired of people trying to get me into Heaven. I don't think I'd like it there. I don't think I'd know anybody. They say it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than to get a rich man into heaven. OK, that settles it. I don't want to go to heaven if it's all poor people. I won't know anybody, except for Hector my gardener. I like Hector, but I think we've already exhausted our entire conversation potential when we discussed just how much we both liked the Taco Bell Club Chalupa. I'd rather be in Hell with all of my friends. And why are religious people always quoting John in 316? I know Tony, who lives in 317, and it's literally across the hall. He said John is a complete douchebag who kills kittens with his bare hands, and sits with the door open wearing a beret, and masturbating to the Disney Channel.

That's Not Funny

The other day I was returning from the commissary here at "the prison" in a perfectly good mood. When I got back to my desk, I found yet another restraining order on my desk. And I thought, "Those bitches in accounting have no sense of humor." This got me thinking about the nature of comedy itself. Are there things that are always, unconditionally funny? After moments of deep thought, I believe I have put together the definitive list of ten things that are always funny.

10. TIE: Farting in an elevator/"Pull my finger"

9. Watching fat people do aerobics

8. Unscrewing the top of the salt shaker at a restaurant

7. Asking the homeless for money

6. Actors discussing their, "craft"

5. Crank calling the White House

4. Anything bad that happens to the rich

3. When you're hooking, and you pretend to be a lady

2. A monkey in a diaper

1. Garfield by Jim Davis. Where does he get this stuff?

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Whenever I see a kid in a wheelchair it makes me a little sad. Because I always think, "Gee, they could have used those same wheels to make a bike for a regular kid." What a waste.

Delicious Monkey $18.95

'Cause sometimes a tasty seahorse is just not enough

Today's Random Thought by Harms

Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. And me? I'm just wondering why Candice Bergen peed in my glass.

Today's List: Top Four Reasons The Bartender Will Never Fuck You

So I was enjoying a beer at my bar last night when this guy walks in...it was all downhill from there.

1) You're a cheap motherfucker. When you only leave coinage, you might as well put your genitalia in a space bag. There won't be any use for them until 2014.

2) Those witty comments you think you're working them over with aren't witty. You're not Jackie Gleason when you're drunk. You're Josh the Cross-Eyed Douche Bag. Well that's at least how you'll be referenced for the next week to her friends.

3) You hold your liquor like a fourteen year old Amish girl. They don't need 20/20 vision to see you have urine on the front of your pants or are showing anyone who will listen the scratch you just got from falling down the front steps. If it's between you or masturbating for the month, have mommy tuck you in right now.

4) If you can't sleep with anyone in the bar, who is extremely intoxicated, how the fuck are you suppose to sleep someone who is sober. That's like expecting them to pick the fat, pigeon toed kid with cerebeal palsy in kick ball. You only do it if they're related to you and if that's the case, you deserve each other.

I’d ask them if Jesus rode a dinosaur

from Craigslist...

An Unabridged Interview With Jesus

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I’m conducting an interview for a book with a person who remembers the life of Jesus. If you were to take part in the interview, what would your question or questions be?


Now’s your chance, folks — if you were to interview someone who remembers the life of Jesus, what would you ask them?

Dear Agnes Kanga

I just received an unsolicited email which I felt strangely compelled to answer. I don't usually respond to these things, but this one was so moving I just couldn't resist:

From: Mrs.Agnes Kanga
E_Mail: madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr

My Dearest One,

I am the above named person from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Alponse Kanga who worked with South Africa embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before his death. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $12.5 Million in a prime bank here in Abidjan.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next eight months due to a cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my H.B.P high blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or organization that will use this fund for the help of orphanages,widows and the charities. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that
wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above email address (madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr)

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another members for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here in. Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs.Agnes Kanga



Dear Agnes,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband Alphonse. After all the great work he did on the Ivory Coast - you know, at the Embassy - it's a shame for him to have met such a tragic end.

It's a shame about your H.B.P. High Blood Pressure Sickness and "cancer problem" too.

I'm also sorry (will the apologies ever end?) to hear that you are having such a hard time finding someone to accept your 12.5 million dollars. I am truly am amazed by your selfless desire to "use this fund for the help of orphanages, widows and the charities," and find it unbelievable that it would be so hard to find someone! Have you tried the United Way or the Red Cross? There are so many "the charities" to choose from. Maybe you should contact them before sending this message to random email addresses.

I think you may be barking up the wrong tree here, to be honest. I don't believe in God and I'm not crazy about babies. And orphans- ugh. Don't even get me started on orphans.

Given the opportunity, I would love for nothing more than to squander your 12.5 million dollars on cocaine, luxury cars, and paying world renowned chefs to attempt to make me the best sandwich that has ever existed in the history of mankind. I would also like to pay people to do things for my amusement— ie punch themselves, eat gross things (bugs, inedibles). I would love nothing more than to waste the money that Alphonse worked so very hard to get for nine years. I want to have nothing to show for it. I want to use it to make the world a worse place to live.

Still, you picked me. And I accept. I have attached all of my bank account information as well all of my personal info including my social security number. You didn't ask for any of this, but I figure it might have me snorting mountains of blow and paying people to eat bugs just a LITTLE BIT quicker, which makes it all worthwhile. I will also honor your request for no phone contact.

I don't know why, Agnes, but I trust you. Don't fuck me on this.

Call Me Now!

I talked to Miss Cleo and she said Harms and I were going to win the Manchester lottery. I think I believer her. I mean, how could you doubt that face…and that turban? People in turbans are very trustworthy, right? Needless to say I am pretty jazzed about her prediction. Not even my Magic 8 Ball could foresee such fantastic riches. The best part is I only had to pay $275.98 for the call. The first minute was not free because she called me collect from prison, but that will be a drop in the bucket compared to our winnings. You may caution me against taking her advice, but rest assured clairvoyance works within prison walls.

I will not reveal our winning numbers as Harms and I want to be the only winners. We have big plans of taking our unicorn to the Galleria and buying manicure supplies and wigs from the kiosks in the middle of the mall. Our nails and hair will shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. This will give people yet another reason to hate us. We don’t mind because there are plenty of those who adore us. And they will receive a complimentary wig for their loyalty.

Kumoniwannalaya

Wanda and Jermaine were just friends. Her thyroid problem and unsettling facial hair growth made her quite unattractive. Then during a weekend stay on the Big Island, something magical happened. Jermaine bared his chest and suited up in his fanciest loin cloth. He strummed sweet tunes on his ukulele and Wanda was smitten. Jermaine was shocked to discover Wanda has a large rack, and he kicked himself for not stickin' it to her sooner.

5 Things I Want to do Before I Die:

1. Ride a unicycle, because I've already ridden a unicorn.
2. Be a backup dancer for Beyonce.
3. Create George Washington's bust with Play Doh.
4. Have lunch with Alex Trebek.
5. See Harm's and my rap video on MTV

5 Things I Want to do Before I Die:

1. Make a rap video with Jen.
2. Start a riot in a white neighborhood.
3. Ride a pony with three legs.
4. Attend a sex party.
5. Train a monkey to make me the World's BEST Sandwiches.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

Because my life is relatively drama free, except for the near death incident with Robert Redford, I will vicariously live through my sister. Ole Tommy Bahama is rearing his ugly head again. He's like Stefano on Days of Our Lives. Just when you think he blew up on Bo's boat Fancy Face, he shows up at the Horton family Christmas party. In this case, we thought Tommy Bahama blew up while in the tanning bed, and lo and behold he shows up on Facebook. I'm surprised he could type such horrible things as his fingers must be burnt to a crisp. This real life "Stefano" is sure to stir up drama at every turn.

My sister is like Marlena, minus the part when she's possessed. Stefano will always harbor deep feelings for Marlena, but he still wants to destroy her. One day they will end up stranded in a cabin in the woods, and she will have to tell him she had his love child who is now 37 years old, but really only 6 years has passed. And then "Stefano" would make a face like he's thinking really hard, and to be continued... will flash across the screen.

Until the day when the lighting is good and there is an on-set make up artist, Tommy Bahama is not allowed on set. He must stay holed up in the make shift gym he has created in his house. He will be muscular and tanned and will resemble George Hamilton, minus the mole... and so are the Days of Our Lives.

Don't Judge Me

I was almost that drunk. I'm not sure who this poor soul is, but I hope she made it home. I feel like a rat crawled in my mouth and died. I woke up wearing men's underwear and a wife beater with a vibrator under my pillow. Harms is on the road to recovery as well. I have plans of taking a nap in the room where nursing mothers pump their milk. I have needs too. I have a sneaking suspicion I made Jesus cringe last night. Not even kolaches could save us today. It took Jack in the Box and battle throw ups to make us feel human again. I puked in my shoe, but my feet don't stink. Maybe Jesus isn't mad at me after all.

Today's List: Top Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Classify Me As A Friend

5.) Your demise is meaningless. I don't give a flying fuck if you live or die. If you should die, most likely I'll feel obligated to attend the funeral, but only to keep myself in balance with the social order. My biggest concern will be purchasing a black dress instead of your transition into nitrogen and phosphorus.

4.) Your birthday is equivalent to Flag Day on my calendar. I might know your birthday month and be happy with that. I can't be expected to waste valuable mental space on remembering the exact date. In the overall scheme of life, knowing Pythagorean Theorem is more important than knowing which day your mother had her vagina dismantled. Cesarean babies can blow me.

3.) If you're looking for empathy you've come to the wrong place. I don't care if you hate your job or can't get laid. I have my own problems. If you really need someone to talk to, pay a hundred and fifty bucks an hour for a shrink. Now that I think about it, I'm passing up a lucrative venture. My fee will be seventy-five and I won't blame everything on your parents.

2.) Loyalty is my weak suit. I will sell you out to the highest bidder. Which in most cases is me. I will turn against you at the drop of a hat to fulfill whatever self-serving, selfish need I have at that particular moment. Basically, don't tell me you cheated on your boyfriend and I won't use it against you to try to put the screws to him.

1.) Just like anyone else, you annoy the living shit out of me. I have fifty to a hundred idiosyncrasies or characteristics that flat out makes me want to hit you with a shovel and bury in a shallow grave. The next time I see you I'll have already bought the shovel and scouted locations.

She's Like the Wind Through My Knees

Last night Harms and I were snubbed and uninvited to a birthday soiree. To add insult to injury we almost got into a head on collision with Robert Redford (or his twin brother). The Horse Whisperer was barreling through the parking lot in his Mercedes. No worries. We headed to our local watering hole in the burbs. It was karaoke night and I was ready to rock.

After a plethora of boozies, it was time to take the stage. Because I'm crazy for Swayze I performed a duet of She's Like the Wind. While I'm no professional, my efforts were applauded. A tone deaf Mexican loved our rendition. I was flattered. I couldn't tell if he liked the song or my boobies. Perhaps a little from column A and a little from column B.

After the performance I felt the need to do the Pachanga at Kellerman's. Because God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.

Hats off to you

Congratulations to all the graduates out there. It was a long hard journey to get to this point, but you managed to make it out before all U.S. schools turned into slave labor camps run by whip-wielding Chinamen. If you're feeling left out because you didn't graduate this year, I'd be more than happy to give you an honorary degree from Douche University. You've more than earned it.

Sense

They have their own society, you know...

Comfortable overstuffed chair w/audubon - $30

We’ve had this in our enclosed deck and it’s in good shape with no tears, no odors, smokers or cats around. It has a drip stain from a storm that some water got in from but will clean up very nice for any room. xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com



This endangered species of audubon was preserved thanks to the efforts of the National Audubon Society. Please remember them with your philathropic donations, because if audubons go extinct, where will we put our feet? WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FEET??

Sorry, but this is a cause I believe in very strongly, as you can tell. I’ve seen firsthand the devastation that losing a species of audubon can create, and I don’t want this to happen to the rest of the civilized world. SAVE THE AUDUBONS!

And if you’re not interested in saving the audubons (because you’re a TERRIBLE person), perhaps you’d be interested in this?

Free couch and 2 automans

free couch little stained…i usually just put a blanket over it…i got it for free on CL so i just wanted to return the favor. Two matching automans as well. Cannot deliver or help load.



Maybe free automans will tug at your heartstrings enough. No? My god, people, what do I have to do to get through to you?

Like a Drifter I Was Born to Walk Alone

I'm due to have my hair permanently straightened, but I have some severe 80's Hair Band frizz going on today. I'm feeling compelled to roll around atop the hood of my Nissan Altima a la Tawny Kitaen. However, such vehicular acrobatics requires a level of flexibility I’m not sure I have. Not to mention I don’t have anywhere to plug in my smoke machine.

While I will always have a little 80s Hair Band Slut in me, I must retire my scrunchie and my industrial-sized can of Aqua Net. I will, on the other hand, keep my leather mini dress and silver studded belt for obvious reasons.

Fuck You Fingermonkey!

In the style of FU, Penguin:



What is UP with you, Fingermonkey? You're so cute I could just smooch you and hug you with my fingers forever and ever and EVERER. Do you have any idea how distracting your appearance is?

I mean, why do you dilate your pupils when you look at me? You do it on purpose don't you? You think you're SO CUTE. WELL GUESS WHAT, ASSHOLE? YOU ARE. And it's totally insensitive of you that you just waltz around with your cute little monkey face, clinging onto people's fingers and stationary items with your cute tiny paws, and distracting the hell out of them till they can think of nothing else than hugging you!

Fingermonkey, you might be really furry and tiny and therefore adorable by default, but that gives you no right to distract hard working people with your good looks. It's cruel and unnatural. WHAT am I going to tell my boss when he asks me for this week's paperwork huh? THAT THE FINGERMONKEY DISTRACTED ME? Yeah he won't buy that, Fingermonkey. And then when I get fired, it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

So stop being such a selfish bastard. Take your cute furry face and pokeable tummy elsewhere, you inconsiderate asshole.

Tuesday Philosophy: Life is a Whore

I hope you don't mind if I wrap this up quickly. I have a date with someone I met on Craigslist. He asked me to bring piano wire, a tarp and a shovel. He sounds kinky. Hopefully this date will be a cute story we tell our grandkids one day.

These entries deal with a particular fetish that might strike some as odd, but a search reveals that this is a pretty common request on Craigslist. I’m not posting them because I think the fetish is weird; I’m posting them because they’re textbook examples of how not to post fetish requests. Carry on.


((Milking Mothers wanted, let me help you with your stress)) - 41
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Hello, are you a mom who is making too much milk? I know it can be very painful if it’s not released. I would love to assist you in that process. I’ve had a fetish for breast milk for a long time. Looking to help a lactating mother out,. Can be strickly a relief thing and nothing more. Or if your interested in persuing a more romantic and naughty arrangement that is acceptible too but seeking to help you relieve your stress. I’m a 41 year old male. Very safe, clean and discreet. If you could use the help and looking for someone who would relish the opportunity to assist you then drop me a line. Have a great day

What amuses me about this one is the philanthropic approach. “I know this can be a problem for you, so I will give of myself to help YOU out. Oh, by the way, I have a lactating fetish, but this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU.”

And then there’s this guy:

are you lactating? - m4w - 31
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ok im a freak or whatever you want to call me but i really want to sucle milk from the boosum please let me i will do what ever you want to thank you for such an honor

So it’s a sad testament to society that this guy has to begin his ad that way, but the lack of punctuation, capitalization, grammar, and creative spelling of suckle and bosom are an even sadder testament.

A Meeting of the Minds

Right now there is a closed door meeting between the two head honchos. Harms and I are looking through the window like a couple of Peeping Toms, and it looks serious. Could they be discussing the inappropriate stretching or perhaps Harms' abundance of cleavage? They're not loud enough for us to eavesdrop through the wall, so we are utilizing the lip reading skills we've honed during our time in Special Ops. We're watching intently and no dice! We can't read his lips through his mustache.

A brief flash of panic runs through us; What if we're on the chopping block? What if they know Harms didn't really run the Relay for Life? Nah! Surely they would fire the ugly people first. But if they did let us go, we have a Plan B. We will set up our back alley abortion clinic. I've already planned to take the knife I keep stashed in my pencil cup. Why do I have a knife in my pencil cup, you ask? It is to emphasize the fact that I don't make copies. I shouldn't have to explain any further.

Now HR has entered the office. It's official, someone is going home. We will spin our Wheel of Justice to determine who that may be. I'd like to fire the asshole who won't sign my confidentiality agreement. However I don't wear tight tapered pants and deck shoes so I'm not the boss. C'est la vie!

It is clear to see why you never get lei'd.

Aloha, it is Hawaiian Shirt Friday in the office. The think tank we call the boss decided this would be a great way to end the week. We think this is a great way to demonstrate what a douche he is. But, he is the boss, so we'll entertain his ideas. To kick off such an initiative, an office-wide email was sent encouraging everyone to kick it Hawaiian style; however the fever never really caught on.

Not to be deterred by such blatant disregard for the 'aina, he opted to wear his shirt anyway. By "anyway" I mean even though it is too tight, faded and tucked into his khakis. He has just luau'd his way into the Douchebag Hall of Fame. The ceremony begins at 1:00 pm. He must perform his daily stretches by Harms' desk to prepare for his induction hula. His pants are pulled taught over his coconuts. Mahalo, you have just made us vomit in our mouths.

So, before you don your best Hawaiian shirt, ask yourself, "do I look like Tom Selleck?" The answer is probably "no."

Whachu Want from Me?

It is midday and already we have witnessed much hostility in the Galleria area. Earlier this morning Harms and I were almost run over by Angela Lansbury. I heard the Lincoln Town Car screech around the corner and then I made eye contact with the old bitch. She threw her hands up and said "What?" I would never have expected that sort of behavior from Jessica Fletcher on Murder She Wrote. She always had such a calm demeanor.

That wasn't going to ruin our day. So we hopped on the unicorn, gathered our Guatemalans and headed to the Galleria. Our fellow drivers all had their thumbs up their asses and we were paying the price. Horns a blaring and fingers a flying, we made it to our destination. The parking garage was packed and two motorists were exchanging words. We stood around and watched them fight and continued our walk to the mall entrance. Harms spotted the security guard, shouted "fight! fight!" and ran away.

Harms made a couple of purchases, and the sales lady says "I like your skirt! I saw the same one at Wal-Mart." Them were fightin' words. After leaving the Galleria, we were off to McDonald's. We patiently waited in line and were cut off by some whore in a Sequoia. I gave her the finger and Harms was ready to throw down. We cooled our jets and went back to the office.

I must be sure to add a bodyguard to the list of wishes I will submit to Jambi. If he wants me to be specific, I will ask for this guy to accompany us. He ain't takin' no shit, and he has a bird, so whachu want from me now bitches!

What are these benefits you speak of?

In an attempt to salvage a relationship gone south, my sister's ex boyfriend proposed they become Friends with Benefits. While this may be an ideal situation for just about anyone, there are a few things this guy must keep in mind before coming up with a scheme like that.

First, immediately cease the poolside lotioning and oiling. You are tan, and we know it. Keep it up, and you will forever smell like Banana Boat. Second, there are other clothiers besides Tommy Bahama. Although this style suggests you are as laid back as an island breeze, it also suggests you are a dumb ass. Third, and most importantly, she doesn't even want to be your friend. Sorry, you do not get a severance package. There is no Cobra or other benefits here for you.

I think Michael Bolton said it best, "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" He is a lyrical genius, and I would have no-strings-attached sex with Michael Bolton as I did with many people throughout my 20s. Don't judge me. I am a cold hearted snake - but that's another story for another time. Until then, commit his immortal words to memory.

Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho

Just as Cowboy Curtis asked Jambi for a pair of pajamas for the sleepover, I too have a wish...or two. I will not waste Jambi's time with silly requests.

1. Make the jackass engineer, who talks slow and wears short-sleeved button downs take a nasty spill down the stairs today.
   
2. Tell the girl with the orange tan she is ugly and should stop wearing white pumps.
3. Leave burns on the skin of those who sport a Tommy Bahama shirt.
4. Give me a unicorn so Harms and I can take a ride to the Galleria on our lunch hour.
5. Provide a team of Guatemalans to carry our packages should we pick up a few things while at the Galleria.

This one is spongeworthy

There are a lot of things I find immoral, and a lot more things I just plain don't like, and every single one of them should be banned. The government has done a lot to support my cause. They have introduced bills to ban gay marriage and flag burning all in an effort to support and protect my personal feelings. They may not have successfully passed these bills, but at least they are opening up public debate. You know the kind of debate I'm talking about. The kind where one side is absolutely right and there's no room for a differing opinion. Now that's what I call a democracy.

But despite all of the government's efforts to ban a few things I don't like, I can't help but be disappointed by the fact that they're not trying to ban EVERYTHING I don't like. Maybe they just aren't aware of everything I disapprove of. If that's the case, I'll help them out by mentioning a few things I don't like and explaining why they should be banned.

The first thing that's got to go is macaroni art. It may seem harmless, but I find it to be a waste of food and another excuse for kids to stop posing for internet photos. So, just like with gay marriage and flag burning, I'm asking the government to step in and turn my opinion into law. Let's go, you Washington fat-cats. Get off your lazy asses and ban macaroni art.

The next thing to go has to be cabbage. I'm sure someone out there eats cabbage, but I don't, so why keep it around? Cabbage is just lettuce's retarded cousin. And before people are all up in arms about cabbage farmers, let me say something. I like onions. You can just grow onions in place of cabbages and you'll do just fine. We all like onions. By which I mean I like onions and that's all that matters.

Those are just a few ways I think the government should make everyone be as much like me as possible, but I have so many more ideas. Here's a brief rundown of bans, mandates and whatever else I feel should be a law.

1 - Red grapes will no longer be allowed. If you can't handle green or purple you can go fuck yourself.

2 - Fjords. In fact, all things that contain a soft j have to go.

3 - Shadows. I'm not sure how we could go about banning shadows, but seriously, it's been long enough.

4 - Silent prayer. If you don't have the balls to pray out loud you shouldn't have the right to do it at all.

5 - Nieces and nephews. Babies aren't aware of the fact that they've just become a niece or nephew, but that's no excuse. They must be destroyed the very moment they are born.

I have plenty more, but I think we should get started on this list before I go any farther. Thanks for your time. Now be sure to do all that is in your power to make this the country that I, and I alone, want it to be. Oh, I almost forgot. No more Asians.

Your Pied Piper Has Arrived

Don't fight it. It's ok. He will lead you to the Air Castle where multi-colored sprites will besprinkle you with dream sparkles. You must be willing to wear the official Rainbow Clan loin cloth, and at the end of your stay you shall drink the Serum of Whimsy. Sure, the authorities will find your body in the woods, but don't be afraid. You will hitch a ride on the moon where you will circle the earth for all eternity. Now follow the soothing sound of his flute, and you shall be free.

Lights, Camera, Yikes!

If you thought modeling was for professionals only, think again! With Glamour Shots, you too can be a supermodel. Just follow these 5 easy steps.

1. Hot roll your hair and back comb it into a camera ready bouffant.

2. Liberally apply lipstick and rouge.

3. Get gussied up in your best gold lamè pant suit.

4. Ever so slightly tilt your head to the side.

5. And give us that come hither look that makes us melt!

Voila! Instant supermodel...

The BEST Patent of all time

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous.

I love the internet.



PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer

PATENT NUMBER: 6313371

WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 5 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.

One Bird

One bird.

One bird has made his home in the tree outside my window. He joins a host of other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds.

This bird is determined to be different. All the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds, start singing a sweet song as light dawn breaks across the sky.

And one bird starts his singing at 2am.

I'm not quite sure what's wrong with one bird. Do the bright lights from the street confuse him? If so, why would he ignore the advice of all the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds? I'm sure they've told him in their tweet tweet language that those lights are just for the ooky humans to see by. No reason to start singing.

Maybe one bird has insomnia. And instead of reading bird books or watching bird tv, he doesn't have a quiet chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds; he has decided to spread his insomnia to the humans that live nearby.

One bird doesn't care if humans like to sleep at night - and would like to do so with the window open. One bird doesn't understand cool breezes. One bird doesn't understand the very, very late blogging he has caused.

I'll have to make a point to chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds tomorrow. I'd like them to spread some words in their tweet tweet language.

One bird should know that in Houston shotguns are quite legal and available.

No bird.

Don't Lay the Jive on Me, Man

While polishing my dance moves for the weekend ahead, I had to summon the dance prowess of the cast of Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo, not to be confused with the XXX version Breakin' 2 Electric Bungalow. For those of you not fortunate enough to have seen the film, here is a brief synopsis.


In lieu of drugs and a life of crime, the kids in the movie prefer to breakdance. Their dreams are shattered when the community center, Miracles will soon be demolished to make way for a mall. So, Ozone (a.k.a. Shabba-Doo) and Turbo (a.k.a. Boogaloo Shrimp) set out to save Miracles. Special K joins the cause as she forgoes an ivy league education at Princeton to pursue her love of breakdancing. To add fuel to the fire, Special K and Shabba-Doo, who I might add is from the wrong side of the tracks, spark a romantic relationship. You can tell Ozone is from the streets because he ain't dancing for the man...he don't dance for anyone but himself! He also lives in a graffiti covered shed - now that's hardcore. But there is a silver lining. In true "Breakdancers Save the World" fashion, the crew put on a show and raise money to keep Miracles open. I know break-dancers have deep pockets, but boy was I shocked when they raised a whopping $80,000! Sprinkled throughout this captivating plot was a wholelotta dancing.

Not only did I learn how to Body Glide and Windmill, I learned a thing or two about putting on a killer fund raiser! Something that has served me well in my current profession. So, I'm dusting off my bandana and donning my favorite kicks...I'll see you on the cardboard, losers!

Lookin' for a Good Time?

If you're looking for something to do this weekend, might I suggest this place? I can live without the lounld music, but no dope smoking?! That's almost as blasphemous as a Last Supper rhinestone belt buckle. I suppose I will keep my pipe and other paraphernalia neatly tucked under the seat of my van. I will instead hit the gutter glitter with the other patrons of this fine establishment.

I imagine myself snorting rails in the bathroom with a woman named Tanya. She will most likely be wearing long ass jeans and pink halter top with the slightest hint of pasty white flab hanging over the waistband. She will think she is my friend and tell me how her boyfriend, Carl knocked the shit out of her and broke her two front teeth. It will be fun night considering I cannot bring beer inside and there is no rap music. At least I know I can sway to the sounds of blues and oldest. I better get my groove on soon as the D.J. will shut it down at 1:45.

Tanya better stop dancing like that, or she will have to face Carl. Not to mention her bruises have already turned yellow..."this means they're healing," she tells me. I don't know if I feel sorry for Tanya or that poor monkey! Ah, what a night.

Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma chameleon …

ladys this post is for you! please read! what a real man has to say - 38

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what im asking, is very , very, simple, my pictures are on here, so you see who i am, and im real, and my heart is real, my words are real, you see my pictures, yes , true, but a picture, can not tell you what im about. yes true, so please read my words, so you may understand,what this real man, is looking for, and asking , please here my words, feel them in your heart, for my love is real, my trust is real, my respect is real, my friendship is real,for i am real, what im looking for is you, the woman, who got used, im looking for the woman, who got played, im looking for the woman, who gave all her love, to someone and got no respect for it, im looking for the woman, who is so hurt for loving that someone, somuch and so true, who got her heart broke , for that love see shared, im looking for that one woman, who is so afraid to love again, becuse of the fear of getting her heart hurt, im looking for that woman, that was quit on, left behind , becuse someone wanted someone else, i looking for that woman, who is alone, and reading this , maybe crying inside becuse of the loss, and hurt, someone did to her, im looking, for the woman, who is having it hard , becuse she is fighting so hard to keep things going, im looking for the woman, who seeks, trust, im looking for the woman, who wants respect, im looking for the woman, who wants to be loved, for all the right reasons, not the roung ones, im looking for the woman, who has read, many, many, of these post but never answered one, im looking for the woman, who misses the family life, im looking for the woman, who puts her kids first, im looking for the woman, who still belives in happy ever after, im looking for that woman, who fights hard to build things, and works hard to see things grow, im looking for the woman, who never has to ask a man, for nothing, becuse a real man already knows what see needs from him, with out ever having to ask, him, well im a man, a real, good man, i have much love in my heart, no shame, for saying i love, well who ever reads this , please trust me for i understand love, and i have much pride in my heart, becuse i love, love is real, it is in us all, love is not a game, its not something to be played with, true, im looking for that woman, who gave everything, and got left with nothing, becuse she trusted the roung person, becuse she loved the roung person , yes i want to help you, and you help me, fill our voids in our lives, so that maybe you and i, will never have to search again, or wait, again, or hope, im looking for the woman, who has kids, or the woman who doesnt have kids, im looking for the woman, who wants a real , man, so maybe if you have read this far, your thinking is this post for real? yes, so here is what im looking to offer and give to you, my friendship, my trust, my respect, my word as a man i will never cheat on you for trusting me with your heart and love ! i will never say i love you and not mean it, i will never yell, at you , or fight with you, i will never disrespect, you, i will never lie to you, i will stand strong and be beside you, down the road of life, no matter how hard it is, or easy, and will not quit you, i will not give up on you, i will take how ever long it takes, to get the job done, i will never fail , me, you, or fail any promise, i make, i will buy flowers, i will give you gifts, of love, i will tell anyone and everyone, that no matter what anyone says i will belive in only your word, first, i will do all i can, to give us the best life, i will not steal, never have never will, what i want, no drugs, no bs, no lies, no fake i love you, no user or users of love, no quiters, no drama , no games, im looking for a woman, of value, a woman, of respect, and great worth, im looking for the woman, who belives in me, im clean, im in great, shape, im real, i have somuch good in me to give, to share, to offer, but i will tell you one thing i have never left a woman in my life, i have been, used, lied to, hurt, played, used for sex, used for money, cheated on, betrayed, on, i have been yelled at, quit on, left alone, i have paid much price for love, so yes men hurt women and women hurt men, i cant help that or change that, but ill i can do is offer what im about, who i am, what im willing to give and share, if you reply and we click, great, if not i will not tell you, or you tell me, we will stay friends, im not on here for sex, im on here becuse i belive the truth always get the truth, when you do mean it, please understand my word, i do belive you see were im coming from, im just me, and im saying good men, and women, still are out here looking for each other, im hear so please reply, send me a picture lets just talk, i have much more to share, take a chance, on me and maybe us, i will not let you down or make a fool out of you ever, i have way tomuch class and respect for women, i will read and reply to all, well this man has put his heart and truth out here for everyone to read and see, my email is open, my heart is open, and my love and friendship is open, this post contains nothing but the truth, so its important you only reply if your realy seeking, or wanting or looking for a real good man, thats free and clean, and real, and ready and waiting to find his soul mate for happy ever after, reply any time day or nite, this post will go to my phone, i give you much, respect and many thanks and hope to hear from you soon, just one man, looking for one woman, who has the other half of my biggest heart in texas, i do so hope your out there and reply back to me,,,,,thanks….




Um, I think you’ve got a little comma splice there. Oh, and there. And there. And … oh, never mind.

For the record, there’s only one period in this entire post (other than the four at the end). For those of you playing along at home, there’s 1,152 words in this post, and one period. Apostrophes? None. Commas? 242 of ‘em.

This sounds like a script for Christopher Walken.

There were pictures with the post, but I’m going to take pity on the guy and not post them here. Why? Because deep down, I’m a softy. He sounds really sincere. I believe he’s looking for love — I just think the written word might not be … let’s see, how can I put this delicately? I don’t think it’s his strongest suit.

If there was ever a post that qualified for both “Ow! My eyes!” and “punctuationally challenged,” this is definitely it.

Get your “stink-free” underwear here

FREE UNDERWEARS!!!
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anyboody want some free underwears? i got 9 mens large breefs. desent shape, no big holes, no skid marks. i didtn wear them hardly much and dont fit no more. my loose is you’re gain!











Wow. I do like the variety of underwear displayed. You have the leg-hugging shorts, lots of basic black (it’s always chic, a man’s version of the little black dress), and the velour couch-print speedo-style; but my favourite for sure are the beigey-pinky briefs. It doesn’t get any sexier than those. And no skid marks? How awesome is that? Cuz, when I want free underwears, skid marks are a dealbreaker. So are big holes, although I don’t mind a few small ones. One has to have standards when it comes to free underwears. I can’t just take just any free underwears from just anyboody. And best of all, their loose is my gain! How can anyoone pass up such a great offer?”

Yup, that about covers it. Unlike those leopard-print speedos.

Mustache Flashback

While making a mental list of all mustaches upon which I'd like to take a magic ride, I started here...

Ladies, his private eyes (clap!) are watching you (clap, clap!), they see your ev'ry move. It may appear as though John Oates took a backseat to the more camera friendly Daryl Hall, but we all know his mustache took center stage. I'm no stranger to the Magic Mustache Ride; however I have never encountered one so substantial. It is burly, yet groomed, suggesting he is in the running to be crowned Master of the Mustache. He has since sheared his labial coiff in favor of a bare upper lip, but I can't go for that (no can do). I will have to retire this dream to the archives and move on. In remembrance of what once was, I leave you with the following video for your viewing and listening pleasure. Just close your eyes and you'll feel it...

It gets a 6.5 from the Romanian judge

These two entries are both from the same metropolitan area:

student wants to learn doggi style
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I want to learn to do doggies with style…..and perhaps photography

My desperate hope that this was someone asking for instruction on pet grooming were dashed when I realized that this post came from the “Adult Gigs” section.

As does this:

private lap dancers wanted
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big breast and boobs a plus no exp. nessacary

This guy’s demanding — he wants a big breast AND boobs. I’m no slouch in the boobs department, but I don’t also have a big breast, so I guess I’m out. If the boobs don’t have to be big, we could set him up with these boobs. That might teach him to be a little more specific.

No, seriously. What. The. Hell.

Bronze Lady Coffee Table - PICTURES

You are looking at a Bronze-Lady coffee table. The table itself is shaped as a naked lady made of bronze material, as seen in the pictures below. Face is covered with tape for protection. Glass is round and 1 inch thick. Overall wieght is 200 pounds. This piece is in excellent condition with no broken pieces. Looking for BEST OFFER OVER $1,500
















Oh, I have questions, all right. How much time do you have? Because I have questions.

1. First of all — what the hell?
2. Why are there bottles of nail polish, a TV remote, some kind of videogame controller, and what looks like a jar of Noxema near this naked bronze lady’s ass?
3. Picture #2 — now I know what the view looks like when you’re giving someone a brazilian wax.
4. OMG, and an open container of vaseline. No really, look at picture 3.
5. While you’re looking at picture 3, please notice that the bronze lady is wearing a black sock — and WTF is the reflection of the face just above her foot?
6. What is that thing on her stomach?
7. Picture #7 — you couldn’t have cleared the crap off the table before taking pictures, could you? At least wipe up the cocaine residue, for heaven’s sake.
8. Picture #8 — WHY IS HER FACE COVERED IN TAPE? That’s really disturbing.
9. No, really — what the hell?

Do you think she sings in the shower?

$940 / 1br - williamsburg loft

its a 4 bedroom loft style apt. 1 bathroom huge kitchen/living room. 1 stop into manhattan on the L train. tons of bars/restaurants/shopping in the area. amazing roof/view

if its just for the month thats fine, but theres a chance you can sign the lease in june if everyone gets along

$940/month plus utilies

please let me know soon!













My god, this is like the Best. Apartment. Ever. I get to live with Aretha Franklin and that random hipster dude! Or is that a girl? Who cares! I’d be living with the freakin’ Queen of Soul and a hipster androgynous person who are both wearing massive bows! We could sit around all day making sure that all of our bows match the sofa. And we could worry about that strange glow emanating from the kitchen, but I know Aretha Franklin would protect me from it.

The hipster dude/tte and I could discuss how great his/her current favorite band is, until three days later when s/he decides they’re too popular to like anymore and that s/he has a new favorite band that nobody’s ever heard of because they haven’t even formed yet. And then Aretha would come in and start bellowing “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” and we’d be like, “Aretha, calm down, we’ll do the dishes in a minute.” And the glittering light from her Swarovski crystal bedazzled bow would light up the New York evening, and oh, how we’d laugh...