Just as we did with mad cow, bird flu and monkey pox, it appears mankind has thwarted swine flu. And even though these diseases have collectively killed as many people as falling pianos in the past ten years, it is our duty as rational adults to react like five-year-olds fearing the boogeyman every time we're told of some disease we're unfamiliar with. I mean what's next? Giraffe Leukemia? Unicorn Hypochondria?
Jezz.
Ps. In case you are wondering, Giraffe Leaukemia is contracted by using a toilet immediately after a black virgin. Symptoms include hair and nails growing at their normal rate. Treatment consists of taking off clothes and screaming.
Unicorn Hypochondria is contracted by using hammocks. Symptoms include getting a song stuck in your head and being unable to name the guy in that movie. Treatment consists of taint-pinching.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
For the sake of evil
I love this time of year. The birds are finally shutting up, the leaves are dying, the homeless are about to freeze and be scraped off the sidewalks... Plus I'm drunk. That puts a bright sheen on every season.
Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.
Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.
Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Today's Random Thought by Harms
The pen is mighter than the sword. But a guy with a sword through his chest can't use a pen.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
OU vs. BYU
It's time for football, new TV shows, cool weather and milking Denny's waitresses. They may not be willing to oblige, but do what you must. If you get it out of them after September, you might as well be drinking goat milk.
OU vs BYU:
First let's start with how this game should have gone. BYU outplayed OU really the whole game. I know Bradford went out at the half, but he only had 96 yards passing. OU moved the ball better in the second half without him. So I propose that the score SHOULD have been 21-3. If BYU hadn't muffed the punt and thrown an interception at their own 20, OU would not have scored the TD and Field Goal. Add to that Chamber's fumble into the endzone and it seemed like BYU was TRYING to help OU win.
Now let's talk about how they DID win. BYU's D was awesome. OU was held to the least yards they've had in almost 3 years. Their two 1000 yard RBs managed barely 50 yards a piece, AND OU converted only 2-11 3rd downs! In order to win, BYU would have to keep the ball out the hands of OU's offense. BYU's winning drive, which included 2 3rd down conversions and an amazing no huddle 4th down conversion, took over 9 minutes capped off with the go ahead TD pass to Jacobsen in the end zone.
When Bradford returns, it will be interesting to see how this injury affects him the rest of the year, both mentally and physically. He's a fantastic quarterback, but coming back 100% from such an injury will be tough. It may even be possible that his first game back will be against Texas, a horrible opponent to return against. Right now, frankly, it's not looking good for the Sooners.
OU vs BYU:
First let's start with how this game should have gone. BYU outplayed OU really the whole game. I know Bradford went out at the half, but he only had 96 yards passing. OU moved the ball better in the second half without him. So I propose that the score SHOULD have been 21-3. If BYU hadn't muffed the punt and thrown an interception at their own 20, OU would not have scored the TD and Field Goal. Add to that Chamber's fumble into the endzone and it seemed like BYU was TRYING to help OU win.
Now let's talk about how they DID win. BYU's D was awesome. OU was held to the least yards they've had in almost 3 years. Their two 1000 yard RBs managed barely 50 yards a piece, AND OU converted only 2-11 3rd downs! In order to win, BYU would have to keep the ball out the hands of OU's offense. BYU's winning drive, which included 2 3rd down conversions and an amazing no huddle 4th down conversion, took over 9 minutes capped off with the go ahead TD pass to Jacobsen in the end zone.
When Bradford returns, it will be interesting to see how this injury affects him the rest of the year, both mentally and physically. He's a fantastic quarterback, but coming back 100% from such an injury will be tough. It may even be possible that his first game back will be against Texas, a horrible opponent to return against. Right now, frankly, it's not looking good for the Sooners.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tagged
Random/Weird things about me:
1. I think beer goes pretty well with homemade chocolate chip cookies.
2. I'm left-handed. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but only 17% of the whole world's human population is left-handed. Just like Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi, da Vinci, and Aretha Franklin, to name a few, I, too, have a ridiculous amount of trouble buying left-handed scissors. Also, more than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products, which makes me an endangered species.
3. I've never seen any of the Star Wars. Or Monty Python. Or Casablanca. Or mostly any movies that you would assume everyone has seen, including classics from any year.
4. When I was little, I wanted to be a farmer. I really liked animals, and thought it'd be a lot of fun to take care of them all....but that eventually got boring, and then I found my true calling in life: I wanted to be a car-washer. I guess I just really liked playing with the hose.
5. I hate beets. And plain white rice. They're both really gross.
6. My knowledge of hockey is confined to the Disney movie The Mighty Ducks.
7. I know all the words to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.
8. My feet cramp up for no good reason and I have to pull my toes back to forcibly stretch out my foot muscles.
9. I insist that I will never be one of "those parents" who speaks in the third person to their children, but then I find myself speaking in the third person to my cat.
10. I'm pregnant with MJ's baby.
1. I think beer goes pretty well with homemade chocolate chip cookies.
2. I'm left-handed. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but only 17% of the whole world's human population is left-handed. Just like Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi, da Vinci, and Aretha Franklin, to name a few, I, too, have a ridiculous amount of trouble buying left-handed scissors. Also, more than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products, which makes me an endangered species.
3. I've never seen any of the Star Wars. Or Monty Python. Or Casablanca. Or mostly any movies that you would assume everyone has seen, including classics from any year.
4. When I was little, I wanted to be a farmer. I really liked animals, and thought it'd be a lot of fun to take care of them all....but that eventually got boring, and then I found my true calling in life: I wanted to be a car-washer. I guess I just really liked playing with the hose.
5. I hate beets. And plain white rice. They're both really gross.
6. My knowledge of hockey is confined to the Disney movie The Mighty Ducks.
7. I know all the words to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.
8. My feet cramp up for no good reason and I have to pull my toes back to forcibly stretch out my foot muscles.
9. I insist that I will never be one of "those parents" who speaks in the third person to their children, but then I find myself speaking in the third person to my cat.
10. I'm pregnant with MJ's baby.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Settle Early: Don't Waste Your Time on Dreams
If we've learned anything from TLC it's, "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls". Look what happened to Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. She chased that waterfall right off a fucking cliff.
People will often tell you to follow your dreams. This is terrible advice. You will never achieve your dreams. Yes, it's true that I did. But let's face it; you're not me are you?
Setting your mind on something is not going to make it happen. You can do anything if you set your mind to it? This is one of the biggest lies since, "I won't cum in your mouth." and "I have that other kind of AIDS."
If you try to follow your fantasies you're going to waste a lot of time. I suggest that instead you do something every day that makes you happy, or at least distracts you from your miserable existence. Find a hobby. Mine is crushing the dreams of others.
Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.
People will often tell you to follow your dreams. This is terrible advice. You will never achieve your dreams. Yes, it's true that I did. But let's face it; you're not me are you?
Setting your mind on something is not going to make it happen. You can do anything if you set your mind to it? This is one of the biggest lies since, "I won't cum in your mouth." and "I have that other kind of AIDS."
If you try to follow your fantasies you're going to waste a lot of time. I suggest that instead you do something every day that makes you happy, or at least distracts you from your miserable existence. Find a hobby. Mine is crushing the dreams of others.
Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Today's Random Thought by Harms
Actions speak louder than words. Unless of course, that action is sign language.
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