Things that Rule: Buying a Lighter

Lighters are good for all kinds of things. Lighting stuff on fire, popping open beer bottles… umm… hmm. Let me start over.

Lighters are good for exactly two things. I can never seem to hold on to one for very long, but I think I’ve finally figured out why: I never actually buy them.

There’s always a lighter coming your way if you can wait long enough. Maybe it’ll be in the couch cushions. Maybe it’ll be under the couch. Maybe it’ll be at a friends house and you’ll be like “whose lighter is this?” and nobody will respond and then BAM – new lighter. Other than those weird Zippo people, lighters don’t really mean much to anyone. They come and go. Big deal.

But sometimes you might have to wait a little longer than you thought. Sometimes you end up spending a little more time than you’d like to asking people for a light, or using matches, or rubbing two sticks together because you know that paying a dollar for a lighter is ridiculous. You know if you just wait a little longer, just a little longer, that magical free lighter is gonna drop out of the sky and you’ll be good to go for another few months until you lose it again.

If you have never been a smoker, none of this means anything to you, does it?

Waiting around for a free lighter is great and everything, but sometimes you have to be more proactive. Sometimes you have to grab life by the horns, walk into the gas station and say “One lighter, please.” Then the guy behind the counter will say “Which one you want?” and you’ll say “I don’t know… the cheapest one,” and he’ll say, “You want a mini?” and you’ll say “No – the cheapest full-size one,” and he’ll hold up a plain blue Bic and be like “This one?” and you’ll be like “Yeah, that’s fine.” You’ll be a dollar poorer, but it won’t matter. You’ll have your own lighter, one that you actually paid for, and you know what?

You’re totally not gonna lose it this time.

Buying a lighter rules.