Filmed on Location with the Men and Women of Law Enforcement

This 4th of July weekend was full of surprises. I discovered my sister-in-law and her ruhtard boyfriend are destined to be featured on Cops. My Independence Day celebration began with the boyfriend jumping out of a moving vehicle. He's really smart. Needless to say, the whole incident ended with a visit from the Harris County Sheriff's Department. For the record, they encroached on our neighborhood from the ghetto. This part of my day was not at all surprising. The surprises I was referring to are as follows:

1. The cop was hot. Like, at any moment I expected him to pull out a boom box and dance.
2. I am capable of killing someone with my bare hands...or with a rock from my (dead) garden.
3. Denim cut-off shorts and a wife beater instantly make you a candidate for Cops.
4. Every family has one (you just don't want your neighbors to know).
5. She makes "Tanya" look normal.

While most people were boozing to the tunes It's a Grand Ol' Flag, America the Beautiful, the Star Spangled Banner and other patriotic classics, my theme song for the day went a little something like this.