In the news...

Happy couple of days after Independence Day. Wasn't it great? The fireworks, the cookou-- I can't do this any more. Everyone is out of work and pretty soon California will be part of Mexico. What could we possibly have to celebrate?

Well, well, well... Death has certainly been a busy little beaver the past couple weeks. He went from a fat old guy to an aging formerly hot chick to creepy pop star to annoying infomercial guy to big-nosed old actor. I think the Grim Reaper's hitting the sauce kinda hard these days. What's next, is someone gonna kill a Jonas brother and throw him through the chest of Betty White?

All this celebrity death leaves us wondering who will be next. And while I can't tell you who it will be, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: Mickey Rooney will be around to piss on their grave.

The U.S. began its pullout from Iraq last week. Oh Iraq... It seems like we're always saying goodbye to each other. Oh well, I guess I'll see you in 10 years when it's time to go through the motions again. But I can't promise I won't invade other countries in the mean time. Take care of yourself.

SC governor Mark Sanford, once a top GOP contender for the White House, ruined his career after an affair with an Argentine journalist. People say this ruined Sanford's reputation, but I think it ruined Argentina's. It used to be this sexy, South American country, and now it's the place where Mark Sanford fucked. Man, this is like finding out Pat Boone goes to Candyland to eat black licorice.

In other "we're fucked" news, unemployment has reached a 26-year high at nearly 10%. Try not to panic. The situation looks bad on paper; but you won't need to worry about that once you resort to eating that paper.

Happy Hump Day Bitches!