Prayer Hater

Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.

Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide.

Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better.

Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.

1. Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."
2. Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.
3. Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.
4. If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.
5. Always remember to press one to proceed in English.
6. If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.
7. The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.
8. No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.
9. Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.
10.Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.

I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.