Thursday, May 7, 2009

Lookin' for a Good Time?

If you're looking for something to do this weekend, might I suggest this place? I can live without the lounld music, but no dope smoking?! That's almost as blasphemous as a Last Supper rhinestone belt buckle. I suppose I will keep my pipe and other paraphernalia neatly tucked under the seat of my van. I will instead hit the gutter glitter with the other patrons of this fine establishment.

I imagine myself snorting rails in the bathroom with a woman named Tanya. She will most likely be wearing long ass jeans and pink halter top with the slightest hint of pasty white flab hanging over the waistband. She will think she is my friend and tell me how her boyfriend, Carl knocked the shit out of her and broke her two front teeth. It will be fun night considering I cannot bring beer inside and there is no rap music. At least I know I can sway to the sounds of blues and oldest. I better get my groove on soon as the D.J. will shut it down at 1:45.

Tanya better stop dancing like that, or she will have to face Carl. Not to mention her bruises have already turned yellow..."this means they're healing," she tells me. I don't know if I feel sorry for Tanya or that poor monkey! Ah, what a night.

Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma chameleon …

ladys this post is for you! please read! what a real man has to say - 38

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what im asking, is very , very, simple, my pictures are on here, so you see who i am, and im real, and my heart is real, my words are real, you see my pictures, yes , true, but a picture, can not tell you what im about. yes true, so please read my words, so you may understand,what this real man, is looking for, and asking , please here my words, feel them in your heart, for my love is real, my trust is real, my respect is real, my friendship is real,for i am real, what im looking for is you, the woman, who got used, im looking for the woman, who got played, im looking for the woman, who gave all her love, to someone and got no respect for it, im looking for the woman, who is so hurt for loving that someone, somuch and so true, who got her heart broke , for that love see shared, im looking for that one woman, who is so afraid to love again, becuse of the fear of getting her heart hurt, im looking for that woman, that was quit on, left behind , becuse someone wanted someone else, i looking for that woman, who is alone, and reading this , maybe crying inside becuse of the loss, and hurt, someone did to her, im looking, for the woman, who is having it hard , becuse she is fighting so hard to keep things going, im looking for the woman, who seeks, trust, im looking for the woman, who wants respect, im looking for the woman, who wants to be loved, for all the right reasons, not the roung ones, im looking for the woman, who has read, many, many, of these post but never answered one, im looking for the woman, who misses the family life, im looking for the woman, who puts her kids first, im looking for the woman, who still belives in happy ever after, im looking for that woman, who fights hard to build things, and works hard to see things grow, im looking for the woman, who never has to ask a man, for nothing, becuse a real man already knows what see needs from him, with out ever having to ask, him, well im a man, a real, good man, i have much love in my heart, no shame, for saying i love, well who ever reads this , please trust me for i understand love, and i have much pride in my heart, becuse i love, love is real, it is in us all, love is not a game, its not something to be played with, true, im looking for that woman, who gave everything, and got left with nothing, becuse she trusted the roung person, becuse she loved the roung person , yes i want to help you, and you help me, fill our voids in our lives, so that maybe you and i, will never have to search again, or wait, again, or hope, im looking for the woman, who has kids, or the woman who doesnt have kids, im looking for the woman, who wants a real , man, so maybe if you have read this far, your thinking is this post for real? yes, so here is what im looking to offer and give to you, my friendship, my trust, my respect, my word as a man i will never cheat on you for trusting me with your heart and love ! i will never say i love you and not mean it, i will never yell, at you , or fight with you, i will never disrespect, you, i will never lie to you, i will stand strong and be beside you, down the road of life, no matter how hard it is, or easy, and will not quit you, i will not give up on you, i will take how ever long it takes, to get the job done, i will never fail , me, you, or fail any promise, i make, i will buy flowers, i will give you gifts, of love, i will tell anyone and everyone, that no matter what anyone says i will belive in only your word, first, i will do all i can, to give us the best life, i will not steal, never have never will, what i want, no drugs, no bs, no lies, no fake i love you, no user or users of love, no quiters, no drama , no games, im looking for a woman, of value, a woman, of respect, and great worth, im looking for the woman, who belives in me, im clean, im in great, shape, im real, i have somuch good in me to give, to share, to offer, but i will tell you one thing i have never left a woman in my life, i have been, used, lied to, hurt, played, used for sex, used for money, cheated on, betrayed, on, i have been yelled at, quit on, left alone, i have paid much price for love, so yes men hurt women and women hurt men, i cant help that or change that, but ill i can do is offer what im about, who i am, what im willing to give and share, if you reply and we click, great, if not i will not tell you, or you tell me, we will stay friends, im not on here for sex, im on here becuse i belive the truth always get the truth, when you do mean it, please understand my word, i do belive you see were im coming from, im just me, and im saying good men, and women, still are out here looking for each other, im hear so please reply, send me a picture lets just talk, i have much more to share, take a chance, on me and maybe us, i will not let you down or make a fool out of you ever, i have way tomuch class and respect for women, i will read and reply to all, well this man has put his heart and truth out here for everyone to read and see, my email is open, my heart is open, and my love and friendship is open, this post contains nothing but the truth, so its important you only reply if your realy seeking, or wanting or looking for a real good man, thats free and clean, and real, and ready and waiting to find his soul mate for happy ever after, reply any time day or nite, this post will go to my phone, i give you much, respect and many thanks and hope to hear from you soon, just one man, looking for one woman, who has the other half of my biggest heart in texas, i do so hope your out there and reply back to me,,,,,thanks….




Um, I think you’ve got a little comma splice there. Oh, and there. And there. And … oh, never mind.

For the record, there’s only one period in this entire post (other than the four at the end). For those of you playing along at home, there’s 1,152 words in this post, and one period. Apostrophes? None. Commas? 242 of ‘em.

This sounds like a script for Christopher Walken.

There were pictures with the post, but I’m going to take pity on the guy and not post them here. Why? Because deep down, I’m a softy. He sounds really sincere. I believe he’s looking for love — I just think the written word might not be … let’s see, how can I put this delicately? I don’t think it’s his strongest suit.

If there was ever a post that qualified for both “Ow! My eyes!” and “punctuationally challenged,” this is definitely it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Get your “stink-free” underwear here

FREE UNDERWEARS!!!
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anyboody want some free underwears? i got 9 mens large breefs. desent shape, no big holes, no skid marks. i didtn wear them hardly much and dont fit no more. my loose is you’re gain!











Wow. I do like the variety of underwear displayed. You have the leg-hugging shorts, lots of basic black (it’s always chic, a man’s version of the little black dress), and the velour couch-print speedo-style; but my favourite for sure are the beigey-pinky briefs. It doesn’t get any sexier than those. And no skid marks? How awesome is that? Cuz, when I want free underwears, skid marks are a dealbreaker. So are big holes, although I don’t mind a few small ones. One has to have standards when it comes to free underwears. I can’t just take just any free underwears from just anyboody. And best of all, their loose is my gain! How can anyoone pass up such a great offer?”

Yup, that about covers it. Unlike those leopard-print speedos.

Mustache Flashback

While making a mental list of all mustaches upon which I'd like to take a magic ride, I started here...



Ladies, his private eyes (clap!) are watching you (clap, clap!), they see your ev'ry move. It may appear as though John Oates took a backseat to the more camera friendly Daryl Hall, but we all know his mustache took center stage. I'm no stranger to the Magic Mustache Ride; however I have never encountered one so substantial. It is burly, yet groomed, suggesting he is in the running to be crowned Master of the Mustache. He has since sheared his labial coiff in favor of a bare upper lip, but I can't go for that (no can do). I will have to retire this dream to the archives and move on. In remembrance of what once was, I leave you with the following video for your viewing and listening pleasure. Just close your eyes and you'll feel it...



It gets a 6.5 from the Romanian judge

These two entries are both from the same metropolitan area:

student wants to learn doggi style
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I want to learn to do doggies with style…..and perhaps photography


My desperate hope that this was someone asking for instruction on pet grooming were dashed when I realized that this post came from the “Adult Gigs” section.

As does this:

private lap dancers wanted
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big breast and boobs a plus no exp. nessacary


This guy’s demanding — he wants a big breast AND boobs. I’m no slouch in the boobs department, but I don’t also have a big breast, so I guess I’m out. If the boobs don’t have to be big, we could set him up with these boobs. That might teach him to be a little more specific.

Monday, May 4, 2009

No, seriously. What. The. Hell.

Bronze Lady Coffee Table - PICTURES

You are looking at a Bronze-Lady coffee table. The table itself is shaped as a naked lady made of bronze material, as seen in the pictures below. Face is covered with tape for protection. Glass is round and 1 inch thick. Overall wieght is 200 pounds. This piece is in excellent condition with no broken pieces. Looking for BEST OFFER OVER $1,500

















Oh, I have questions, all right. How much time do you have? Because I have questions.

1. First of all — what the hell?
2. Why are there bottles of nail polish, a TV remote, some kind of videogame controller, and what looks like a jar of Noxema near this naked bronze lady’s ass?
3. Picture #2 — now I know what the view looks like when you’re giving someone a brazilian wax.
4. OMG, and an open container of vaseline. No really, look at picture 3.
5. While you’re looking at picture 3, please notice that the bronze lady is wearing a black sock — and WTF is the reflection of the face just above her foot?
6. What is that thing on her stomach?
7. Picture #7 — you couldn’t have cleared the crap off the table before taking pictures, could you? At least wipe up the cocaine residue, for heaven’s sake.
8. Picture #8 — WHY IS HER FACE COVERED IN TAPE? That’s really disturbing.
9. No, really — what the hell?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Do you think she sings in the shower?

$940 / 1br - williamsburg loft

its a 4 bedroom loft style apt. 1 bathroom huge kitchen/living room. 1 stop into manhattan on the L train. tons of bars/restaurants/shopping in the area. amazing roof/view

if its just for the month thats fine, but theres a chance you can sign the lease in june if everyone gets along

$940/month plus utilies

please let me know soon!














My god, this is like the Best. Apartment. Ever. I get to live with Aretha Franklin and that random hipster dude! Or is that a girl? Who cares! I’d be living with the freakin’ Queen of Soul and a hipster androgynous person who are both wearing massive bows! We could sit around all day making sure that all of our bows match the sofa. And we could worry about that strange glow emanating from the kitchen, but I know Aretha Franklin would protect me from it.

The hipster dude/tte and I could discuss how great his/her current favorite band is, until three days later when s/he decides they’re too popular to like anymore and that s/he has a new favorite band that nobody’s ever heard of because they haven’t even formed yet. And then Aretha would come in and start bellowing “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” and we’d be like, “Aretha, calm down, we’ll do the dishes in a minute.” And the glittering light from her Swarovski crystal bedazzled bow would light up the New York evening, and oh, how we’d laugh...