Today's List: Top Four Reasons The Bartender Will Never Fuck You

So I was enjoying a beer at my bar last night when this guy walks in...it was all downhill from there.

1) You're a cheap motherfucker. When you only leave coinage, you might as well put your genitalia in a space bag. There won't be any use for them until 2014.

2) Those witty comments you think you're working them over with aren't witty. You're not Jackie Gleason when you're drunk. You're Josh the Cross-Eyed Douche Bag. Well that's at least how you'll be referenced for the next week to her friends.

3) You hold your liquor like a fourteen year old Amish girl. They don't need 20/20 vision to see you have urine on the front of your pants or are showing anyone who will listen the scratch you just got from falling down the front steps. If it's between you or masturbating for the month, have mommy tuck you in right now.

4) If you can't sleep with anyone in the bar, who is extremely intoxicated, how the fuck are you suppose to sleep someone who is sober. That's like expecting them to pick the fat, pigeon toed kid with cerebeal palsy in kick ball. You only do it if they're related to you and if that's the case, you deserve each other.