Stock Blocked

As the U.S. economy continues to struggle, market experts are throwing around the word "recession" as if it were a racial slur. Personally, I don't understand how anyone can even hint at a recession in a country where people are spending millions of dollars on the work of Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn. I'm no economist, but if the situation were really so dire, I think people would forego spending money to have their child's soul raped.

But okay, let's assume we are on the verge of an economic catastrophe. How does this affect me? Thankfully, even as the market remains shaky at best, the value of my gold bars and secret political sex tapes remains steady. Also, I have people I pay to keep an eye on stocks and do my crying/wrist-slashing for me.

For those of you who aren't so fortunate I would like to help. Assuming moving to another country or simply not caring aren't viable options for you, here are some tips on how to prepare for the impending financial crisis.

As gas prices continue to soar, the average American is feeling the pinch at the pump. To avoid this, ride a bike to work. With the money you'll save, you can shove $20 bills in your ears to muffle the taunts of "Nice bike, fag" coming from motorists.

Ladies: Don't just think of that thing you're sitting on as a baby-making, waste disposer. Believe it or not, there are men who will pay you to put their penis in it. After you've exhausted its usefulness, your butt, mouth, hands or unusually deep belly button will do in a pinch.

How about you use those food stamps for food instead of 40s and cigarettes; you system-abusing, child-neglecting, filthy piece of...never mind. Hi mom!

Along with gas prices, food prices have also gone way up. One solution would be to grow your own vegetables and buy store-brand items. Or you could just stop eating so much, fatty.

Recycle. In addition to helping the planet, you'll also be able to line your pockets with a cool $1.12 for only a few weeks work. (Note: Homeless people are a great source of aluminum cans.)

Ever hear of actually doing your job and saving money? Jesus Christ...it's not the economy's fault you've had three jobs in two months and you spend what little money you have on Old Milwaukee. You piece of human garbage...just look at yourself! FUCK!

I've got a weird feeling. Go to Vegas right now. Put everything you have on 22 black. Didn't work? Sorry about that. Just go give handjobs until you have enough money to get back home.

Although not as profitable or glamorous as being an actual pusher, there's no shame in being a really good drug mule.

As technology advances, it is becoming more and more difficult to duplicate the look and feel of modern bills. Fortunately, it is incredibly easy to make a passable penny. Just go out and buy massive amounts of copper and get to minting. Now you're on your way to financial freedom!