Dear Agnes Kanga

I just received an unsolicited email which I felt strangely compelled to answer. I don't usually respond to these things, but this one was so moving I just couldn't resist:

From: Mrs.Agnes Kanga
E_Mail: madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr

My Dearest One,

I am the above named person from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Alponse Kanga who worked with South Africa embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before his death. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $12.5 Million in a prime bank here in Abidjan.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next eight months due to a cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my H.B.P high blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or organization that will use this fund for the help of orphanages,widows and the charities. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that
wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above email address (madam_agneskanga@yahoo.fr)

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another members for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here in. Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs.Agnes Kanga



Dear Agnes,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband Alphonse. After all the great work he did on the Ivory Coast - you know, at the Embassy - it's a shame for him to have met such a tragic end.

It's a shame about your H.B.P. High Blood Pressure Sickness and "cancer problem" too.

I'm also sorry (will the apologies ever end?) to hear that you are having such a hard time finding someone to accept your 12.5 million dollars. I am truly am amazed by your selfless desire to "use this fund for the help of orphanages, widows and the charities," and find it unbelievable that it would be so hard to find someone! Have you tried the United Way or the Red Cross? There are so many "the charities" to choose from. Maybe you should contact them before sending this message to random email addresses.

I think you may be barking up the wrong tree here, to be honest. I don't believe in God and I'm not crazy about babies. And orphans- ugh. Don't even get me started on orphans.

Given the opportunity, I would love for nothing more than to squander your 12.5 million dollars on cocaine, luxury cars, and paying world renowned chefs to attempt to make me the best sandwich that has ever existed in the history of mankind. I would also like to pay people to do things for my amusement— ie punch themselves, eat gross things (bugs, inedibles). I would love nothing more than to waste the money that Alphonse worked so very hard to get for nine years. I want to have nothing to show for it. I want to use it to make the world a worse place to live.

Still, you picked me. And I accept. I have attached all of my bank account information as well all of my personal info including my social security number. You didn't ask for any of this, but I figure it might have me snorting mountains of blow and paying people to eat bugs just a LITTLE BIT quicker, which makes it all worthwhile. I will also honor your request for no phone contact.

I don't know why, Agnes, but I trust you. Don't fuck me on this.