What are these benefits you speak of?

In an attempt to salvage a relationship gone south, my sister's ex boyfriend proposed they become Friends with Benefits. While this may be an ideal situation for just about anyone, there are a few things this guy must keep in mind before coming up with a scheme like that.

First, immediately cease the poolside lotioning and oiling. You are tan, and we know it. Keep it up, and you will forever smell like Banana Boat. Second, there are other clothiers besides Tommy Bahama. Although this style suggests you are as laid back as an island breeze, it also suggests you are a dumb ass. Third, and most importantly, she doesn't even want to be your friend. Sorry, you do not get a severance package. There is no Cobra or other benefits here for you.

I think Michael Bolton said it best, "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" He is a lyrical genius, and I would have no-strings-attached sex with Michael Bolton as I did with many people throughout my 20s. Don't judge me. I am a cold hearted snake - but that's another story for another time. Until then, commit his immortal words to memory.