Today's List: Top Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Classify Me As A Friend

5.) Your demise is meaningless. I don't give a flying fuck if you live or die. If you should die, most likely I'll feel obligated to attend the funeral, but only to keep myself in balance with the social order. My biggest concern will be purchasing a black dress instead of your transition into nitrogen and phosphorus.

4.) Your birthday is equivalent to Flag Day on my calendar. I might know your birthday month and be happy with that. I can't be expected to waste valuable mental space on remembering the exact date. In the overall scheme of life, knowing Pythagorean Theorem is more important than knowing which day your mother had her vagina dismantled. Cesarean babies can blow me.

3.) If you're looking for empathy you've come to the wrong place. I don't care if you hate your job or can't get laid. I have my own problems. If you really need someone to talk to, pay a hundred and fifty bucks an hour for a shrink. Now that I think about it, I'm passing up a lucrative venture. My fee will be seventy-five and I won't blame everything on your parents.

2.) Loyalty is my weak suit. I will sell you out to the highest bidder. Which in most cases is me. I will turn against you at the drop of a hat to fulfill whatever self-serving, selfish need I have at that particular moment. Basically, don't tell me you cheated on your boyfriend and I won't use it against you to try to put the screws to him.

1.) Just like anyone else, you annoy the living shit out of me. I have fifty to a hundred idiosyncrasies or characteristics that flat out makes me want to hit you with a shovel and bury in a shallow grave. The next time I see you I'll have already bought the shovel and scouted locations.